Plan of Action for Aggression

[JoseyJo]

Well, I am not a game player so I never get it when people play games. I am too honest about stuff that I should probably just bite my tongue on! You guys are right- there is no way she doesn't see him acting that way because he has done it to her and in front of her, in front of me many times. Even today and yesterday at pick up he was acting out (threw a car at the wall yesterday hard enough to leave a dent in the wallboard when she told him to put it away so they could go- she tried not to "see" it but I pointed it out and she had to address it). But I don't understand and probably never will understand why she would cry, apologize, say how great we are when it doesn't get her ANYTHING from me. Maybe she just doesn't want me to "add it to his file that goes follows him from daycare to daycare" ??

[nannyde]

from her questions, I think she is lying too. Those tears are just drama from not getting her way and having to finally deal with the problem. please dont waste anymore time thinking about this.

It's a sad day when you have to come to terms with the realization that there are some parents who like, admire, and want their child to have violent, aggressive, and anti-social behavior. They feel their child is superior to all others and that exacting that superiority is going to result in casualties. It's the JOB of the provider to host it and the other children to endure it.

They are fine with being told about the behavior. They get upset if the child is subjected to any consequences for the behavior. They have extreme reactions to being told the child must leave because of the behavior.

In that cycle, you KNOW that deep down the parent is blessing the bad behavior because the extreme emotion doesn't surface when the parent hears that property, the provider, or the poor other kids in the daycare were harmed. A parent who doesn't want the violence reacts strongly when they find out another kid was harmed... or the provider...or pproperty. They get visually upset and pledge to take action.

When the intense emotion and words of sorry only come when they are told the child is termed then you know for sure they are only upset for how this affects them.

Be beware when, at the first discussion of inappropriate behavior the parent just puts out enough energy and emotion to say words like tired, allergies, you, your environment, or the friends. It means they are ok with what the child has done.

If they disapprove of a punishment so inconsequential as a short time out... you have now been put on official notice they are truly ok with the violence, disrespect, or refusals.

When they cry only when you say no more you can take to the bank that the child had their FULL support all along the way. It's nearly impossible to change this mindset from the doorway of a little home child care. It takes the doorway of a big brick and mortar school and sometimes the clanging of the prison cell doors for them to believe.

[nannyde]

Well, I am not a game player so I never get it when people play games. I am too honest about stuff that I should probably just bite my tongue on! You guys are right- there is no way she doesn't see him acting that way because he has done it to her and in front of her, in front of me many times. Even today and yesterday at pick up he was acting out (threw a car at the wall yesterday hard enough to leave a dent in the wallboard when she told him to put it away so they could go- she tried not to "see" it but I pointed it out and she had to address it). But I don't understand and probably never will understand why she would cry, apologize, say how great we are when it doesn't get her ANYTHING from me. Maybe she just doesn't want me to "add it to his file that goes follows him from daycare to daycare" ??

see how she was able to sway your thinking with the words NOW? It makes her look like she really has a care about you, your business, and the kids. Where was that in the beginning? That would've put her in a position to have to DO something about him and prove her concern. She waits till the exact moment to SAY it when there's no way she has to SHOW it and DO it.

It was just as easy for her to say allergies and tired as it was to say love your care and sorry for hurting. Both sets of words put her in position where she's assured she doesn't have to deal with him. In the end it makes her feel good to know she is off the hook for his violence. THAT'S where she feels most at home. Deep down she really feels he should be able to behave any way he wants and he should always be happy and on top. If saying excuses buys him that and she gets to keep bringing him to the world he gets to rule then the words are worth the miniscule amount of the effort she expends to say it. If she can make her self look like a caring person by saying words right before she is guaranteed she doesn't have to actually do caring behavior then she can walk away feeling she was a caring mom. No matter that it was only for a couple seconds.

I would rather have a parent come out from the go and say "my kid is king and your job is to serve him. I don't care if he tears your house up and hurts the other kids. I am okay with him disrespecting you and don't expect him to respect anyone or your rules. If you are going to get my money then you have to agree and promise to do whatever it takes for him to be himself and do as he wishes. Also don't want to be bothered by what you think he should or shouldn't be doing. It's not up to you. I pay you to keep your opinion to yourself"

Now that would be some truth I could respect. Sadly a bunch of stuff and stress has to happen before she says all that in action and then tries to undo it with fake lies.

[JoseyJo]

If she can make her self look like a caring person by saying words right before she is guaranteed she doesn't have to actually do caring behavior then she can walk away feeling she was a caring mom. No matter that it was only for a couple seconds.

This makes total sense with the other behaviors we have seen from this dcm. Thank you guys for all of your insight!

[EAP]

This is my experience as well! I love the previous advice!! If she verbally questions you after you term answer: really a light bulb went off for me when I was talking to you. You said he doesn't show this behavior elsewhere which leads me to believe this isn't the best environment for him.
Use her words!!

This is a great out and I wouldn't hesitate in doing an immediate term! I had a parent of a violent child who turned it around on me over and over again and I tried for 6 months to make it work, being hit, kicked, bitten and then they started with the other kids. When I finally termed they still made it out to be no big deal. I wish I would have termed sooner and had back bone enough to turn it right back around on them because the child had behavior issues all.the.time.

[JoseyJo]

One of my long time dc parents (who has a dcb4.25 here now and an dcg18mo starting in Nov)came in this morning, looked around and said "dcb isn't here today??" I said no. She said "is he coming back??" I said "no, he's not". She has a look of relief and said "I hate to say it but I am glad, i didnt say anything before but (her son) swears that the deep-ish mark on his back last week was from dcb. " She goes on to say he told her he never told me about it and she figured he was mistaken about what happened, but now that she has seen more of dcb's behaviors at p/u she thinks he probably did do it.

I knew my other dc parent's were worried about things they had seen at p/u and d/o and I don't blame them. I am still sad that it had to happen (we have mostly long-term dcks and in the past 4 years have only had 2 leave for anything other than moving away/moving up to K) but I am happy that our day today was SO much calmer!

[cheerfuldom]

glad the whole thing is finally over. like nan said, the exiting emotions and apologies are just her way to soothe herself and make her feel better like "well I tried to work it out, I apologized and said sorry" and that is not someone you want to work with. It is just words, never action to back it up. the other possibility is that she may have hoped you would back down on terming and she could squeeze some more child care out of you. finding a new daycare is a pain and the older he gets, the harder it will be to hide his bad behavior from future providers. you can bet she will not be honest in warning future providers that he needs a lot of supervision and direct care. sadly, this kid will probably go thru another half dozen providers before school age, maybe more.

[JoseyJo]

I just want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who gave advice and support on this issue- it took a few days for everything to calm down here after the stress last week but I must say today was the BEST day I have had in the daycare in a long time!

All of the kids got along, we didn't have any hitting, arguing, temper tantrums. We got so much more learning in than we have been, we had time for twice as many activities as I had planned- plus tons of spontaneous play and learning

Again, thank you so much guys! This forum has been a life saver for my sanity ::

[NeedaVaca]

happyface

[Familycare71]

I just want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who gave advice and support on this issue- it took a few days for everything to calm down here after the stress last week but I must say today was the BEST day I have had in the daycare in a long time!

All of the kids got along, we didn't have any hitting, arguing, temper tantrums. We got so much more learning in than we have been, we had time for twice as many activities as I had planned- plus tons of spontaneous play and learning

Again, thank you so much guys! This forum has been a life saver for my sanity ::

Yay!!! happyface happyface
So glad your feeling better!! I always have to remind myself in situations like that I didn't birth them and they aren't my ultimate responsibility. You giving those other kids having a safe fun learning environment is

[daycare]

I am so happy to hear that you are able to have your daycare back. Sometimes we need to live and learn......But it is what we have to do to make ourselves better right....

now you know that the next time should you ever encounter a similar situation how to deal with it right away and not put yourself through so much......


good job!!!

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

happyface So happy for you!