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my kids don't do activities with the kids in town. I drive them to the other towns or in the city. Go to other places. Just because they are in your community doesn't mean you have to go there. I'm glad they are not with friends from school when they do their activities, its so much better.
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My dd has adhd and though she does well, one of the best pieces of advice we received from the school psychologist was to get her involved in activities *outside* of the town we live in. This way if something happens at school, it's not the only place the child has friends/activities.
Sports are not for everyone, find what he likes. Maybe there is a lego club, or some volunteer group he would do well with.Comment
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thats why my kids go elsewhere. What happens at school stays at school. My ds isn't crazy into sports. He will play soccer, he loves playing golf, so we found him a place that did lessons. He's also done rec. gymnastics (its so sick that its stereotyped) but my ds loved it. And since your ds has adhd, I really recommend gymnastics. And swimming lessons. My ds also dances. so you see its not all sports. Oh he's in cubs too. Now if they had a lego club he would be the first one on the list. I wish they had one here, he loves mindcraft. Oh how about science camps, my ds loves hands on science stuff.Comment
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I hesitated to say this, but really wonder if it might help so it's been bothering me.....
Not sure if it's just the words you've inadvertently chosen or if it's really how you tend to be in life but there's a pretty negative undertone to your posts. I say that with all the love in my heart, and certainly don't mean to offend, but I do wonder if that could be part of your problem here.
My interpretation is you have a very "us against the world" mentality, possibly based on your own experiences as a child. While that may served you thus far, that influence can really change how a child grows up, feels about themselves and interacts with the rest of the world.
Not all kids are bullies and hooligans, and I hope at this point he hasn't begun to believe that. Just in what you've written here that's the impression I get from you, can you see how that might also transfer in a child's mind?
You also use words like "force" when referring to getting him involved with sports, and you talk about him not being good at them....but then on the same token say how much it bothered you when other children point that out. Kids can be unfocused, uncoordinated, need work on catching, throwing, kicking, running and sportsmanship, but that doesn't make them "bad" at sports. It simply makes them new to them. Most kids have to work really hard to learn everything that comes along with mastering an activity. The journey entails self discipline, frustration and often times even physical pain....but at the same time they're also gaining life experiences. Life gets hard at work, or within their families someday when they're grown they won't just give up and walk away from them, they'll persevere. They'll see the rewards that come from sticking with it, and their confidence in themselves grows by leaps and bounds! Through it it's hard to hear a child feel stuck enough to want to quit, as a parent it's so hard to watch them struggle if that's how you perceive the process. Instead try seeing it as an AWESOME evolution. Like a butterfly that transforms.
See the light instead of the dark, the potential instead of the potential to fail, the excitement in the potential of making new friends instead of the fear of possible rejection.
Encourage him to get out there and do more, without you, and believe that he will LOVE it!!!
It also made me concerned to hear that you equate social skills to weight or intelligence. Neither have anything to do with a person's ability to make friends, stick with something they've committed to or have confidence enough to stick up for themselves. All of those things are acquired by children ONLY by getting out there and living their own lives, while having a parent behind them cheering them on. Boosting them up with they fall and celebrating those successes when they are well deserved.
As his parent YOU have the supreme influence over how he learns to interact and interpret the world around him and everyone in it.
You know that phrase....With great power comes great responsibility?
Guide him to the light in this world, show him it's there, and believe with your whole heart that he WILL be ok.
If you don't he will never come to believe in those things himself.Comment
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I tried to read the book "And The Geeks shall inherit the earth". But, it was after my kids had graduated high school, and it would have been better to have read it before my youngest ever got into high school. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/26/bo...anted=all&_r=0
It's sad at first, when you imagine your kid at lunch trying to find a way to look busy during lunch time so it's not so awkward when she doesn't have anybody to sit with. The book described her lunch hour to a T. She would eat quickly, and bury her nose in a book, or go to the library and pretend to work on homework.
But, she's a Geek. She'll always be a geek. She has quirks.
I've always taught her that the geeks take over when they get older. (and they do... geeks run the world) It's nice to be popular in high school, but that charm can only get them so far. Eventually, you need to be quirky to get anywhere.
YOU can go an untag his name for him, without telling him. He may not understand they are teasing him, he might just feel like they are including him, so there's no reason to point it out.
My daughter went to school with Conor M. Conor was dorky and gangly. I could tell he was going to be good looking when he learned some hygene skills and filled out, but kids can't see it when they are young.
He's in college now, and Holy Heck is he good looking. The girls that made fun of him in 2003 are drooling over him now. AND, he's in medical school. The girls who teased him haven't even decided what they want to do in the future.
In general, Boys don't care too much about what other boys look like, or what they want to do. It's the girls that seem to notice. So, he could potentially just not care what they think. As long as they aren't openly mean to him.
I feel bad that they are teasing the girl who stuck up for him. That kind of crap is why some kids stop sticking up for other kids.Comment
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Having been there, done that, I hope to offer you some advice.
First of all...kids his age are jerks. They aren't nice at all! They bully, pick on and tease other kids. It's what they do. Unfortunately (and for whatever reason), your son is the target.
I would delete the Facebook, or change the privacy settings. There is a feature that if set up right, people can't tag you. I would suggest your son only have people he considers FRIENDS on there and not acquaintances. (Teach him the difference.)
If you are concerned about his social life, I would suggest getting a cheap prepaid cell phone. He can give his number out to those he wants to stay connected with and can talk or text. My 13 year old has to turn her phone into me each night. I monitor all calls and texts going in and out.
I would also attempt to keep the lines of communication open with your son and encourage him to talk to you about things going on at school and if people are bothering him. Encourage him to speak up and stand up for himself. I would also suggest contacting the guidance counselor and putting them on alert and ask that he/she talk to your son and remind him that people are there to help and not to be afraid. Maybe if your son feels like he has a team/people on his side, the bullying will ease up!
Good luck!Comment
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I am so sorry you are having these problems with your son; they must be so difficult to witness. Have you spoken to your son about how he feels about what is going on and asking him about his friends. Have you looked into any ADHD support groups for yourself and ADHD support groups for kids? Have you ever considered counseling?
You mentioned that there are some other children in the neighborhood. Has he had any luck making friends with any of them? Also, please know that it is okay if he makes friends with kids a few years younger than himself (1-3 years difference is not a bad thing). With a kid who has ADHD it might be easier to have younger friends and give him some power.
As Willow said, try to keep your mood and attitude about friends and socializing very upbeat. Encouragement can be very helpful and even going over with him some normal social skills. With his ADHD this is probably very difficult for him and you may need to explain to him certain rules that other children might just “get”. Richard Lavoie is an expert when it comes to kids with learning disables and other related issues such as ADHD and Asperger’s. He has some awesome videos that are available on youtube (or you can purchase his DVD’s online).
One of his videos about social skills and play dates can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODxwotH5IEo Check out his other videos too as they can be very helpful.
I also recommend his book: It's So Much Work to Be Your Friend: Helping the Child with Learning Disabilities Find Social Success. Here is a link on amazon but maybe your local library has it.
Good luck with everything! :hug:Comment
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I don't think it's us against the world however the area we live in has much more negativity and poor parenting than other areas but due to income (single mom, single income) I am stuck here. I had friends but it took time to find the right ones, ones who didn't use me because I was so trusting. There are great people out there as well as great kids.
As for the word force, it was meant because after him teased so much and feeling terrible because he couldn't hit the ball or run fast, he wanted to quit. So I didn't force him to stay. That would hurt him more, why make him stay and hope for a butterfly when all the while he has sand thrown in his face and even the coach teases him? ( coach has finally been fired btw) I never told him he was bad at sports that's just me explaining here. I was a huge cheerleader for him even when he struck out. In all honesty he can't throw a ball far at all, he misses most balls, he gets no where near the hoop in basket ball... Even though I let him quit sports we still play here at home and at the playground. Nothing changes. I think he just goofs off too much or maybe just pretends to goof off, not sure.
I don't equate social skills to weight or intelligence. He is very intelligent but lacks social skills. One has nothing to do with the other I was just explaining things. I may have chosen the wrong wording, can't recall exactly at this minute but, his social skills are related to his ADHD. They are also related to me sheltering him BUT if I didn't he would probably be harmed or dead by now if I let him run with the pack of boys around here. They all liked him when they were 2 and had to stay in front of their houses then, when they were allowed to take thier bikes all over town at the age of 5 or whatever they grew apart. Then the only time they stayed to hang out with my son was if he had chalk, squirt guns, ice cream, candy, pizza etc. They would ask him for things, talk to him for 5 minutes then take off with what he gave them. Now at the age of 10 & 11 the same group of kids are breaking into churches, spray painting peoples houses, stealing from yards, opening gates to let neighbor hood dogs loose... You get the idea. So yeah the kids around HERE are hooligans! Not every child is just most around here this is why I asked for help. If I thought every child had issues I wouldn't ask how to get my child more involved. There are boys that aren't trouble makers but they seem very much more mature so again my son doesn't fit. He is still on legos and acting silly. Maybe because he hangs with the daycare kids which are all younger. I'm not sure why.
Since birth I have praised my son. Not a day goes by that I don't tell him I love him and he's beautiful, handsome, smart etc. The more the kids tease the more I reinforce. If he says so and so called him a nerd I tell him that means he is smart and maybe theyre jealous. I try and turn negativity to positive when I can.
I do want him to get out there and do more without me but there is the problem,with who? He has to be with someone I trust! Sometimes he forgets to simply check the street before crossing. He walked out just the other day as a car was coming, thank God I was there. Anyway i hope I have cleared some things up. Sorry if I mislead you.Comment
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You have nothing to apologize for, thank you for clarifying.
I'm wondering if you can maybe pick something he may enjoy and screen the coach/teacher/instructor? My kids have been in quite a few activities and teasing anyone, for any reason would NEVER be tolerated. Even ages 3, 4, 5.....they were asked to sign "player conduct and good sportsmanship" contracts.
If they'd have ever said any of the things that were said to your son they'd have been kicked off the team and not allowed back.
Maybe try to find an organization that promotes that level of conduct and responsibility out of it's participants?Comment
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Thanks so much. The lines of commuincation are wide open between us or so I think. I often remind him that he can come to me for anything. I then tell him examples and ask after each one if everything is ok in that department... I usually end with saying something like "even when you find a girlfriend..." he will laugh and say Nooo girls. And blush. He has come to me and talked about locker room experiences that made him feel odd so I think he will talk to me if he needs to.
The guidance counselor is involved with him since last yr when a teacher harrassed him. Teacher has since been let go, my son was his last victim so to speak. The teacher constantly picked on him last yr so much he deveolped anxiety and would get sick to his stomach when he had to go to school. Doctor got involved wrote a letter, I requested a meeting with board of education and the teacher. They were firm with him, he tried to deny things but I had many many emails and witnesses. My son got over that and has a great teacher he adores this year thank God. But yeah the counselor checks on him every now and then and that's why.
I gave him a cell phone before Christmas but no one calls. Just his 1 friend and a girl did call once. I spoke with her and invited her over, she tried to ask her Mother but the Mom was yelling in the background that she didn't have time for this ****, the girl never called back. He doesn't even keep it charged now because no one calls. He has asked for numbers and got a couple and others laugh at him and some say later and never give it to him. I'm hoping things pick up in middle school. Older kids always seem to be on the phone. Even when we don't want them to (holiday dinners)
Thanks for the great advise!Comment
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I will check these out! Thank you!!I am so sorry you are having these problems with your son; they must be so difficult to witness. Have you spoken to your son about how he feels about what is going on and asking him about his friends. Have you looked into any ADHD support groups for yourself and ADHD support groups for kids? Have you ever considered counseling?
You mentioned that there are some other children in the neighborhood. Has he had any luck making friends with any of them? Also, please know that it is okay if he makes friends with kids a few years younger than himself (1-3 years difference is not a bad thing). With a kid who has ADHD it might be easier to have younger friends and give him some power.
As Willow said, try to keep your mood and attitude about friends and socializing very upbeat. Encouragement can be very helpful and even going over with him some normal social skills. With his ADHD this is probably very difficult for him and you may need to explain to him certain rules that other children might just “get”. Richard Lavoie is an expert when it comes to kids with learning disables and other related issues such as ADHD and Asperger’s. He has some awesome videos that are available on youtube (or you can purchase his DVD’s online).
One of his videos about social skills and play dates can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODxwotH5IEo Check out his other videos too as they can be very helpful.
I also recommend his book: It's So Much Work to Be Your Friend: Helping the Child with Learning Disabilities Find Social Success. Here is a link on amazon but maybe your local library has it.
Good luck with everything! :hug:Comment
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