I Love Me A Good Old Messy Divorce!

[My3cents]

I use this letter to ALL separated parents who share any amount of parenting duties that involve child care.

Dear Families,

Over the years I have noticed my role as child care provider can often create the impression that we are extended family. Because your child's welfare is so important, this care and nurturing can create an intimacy between us that makes us feel more like family than business partners. As a home daycare provider, I strive to foster this sense of community, and to provide the closeness you will not find in a child care center.

However, there does need to be well defined boundaries in certain areas. Some of you are currently in the process of redefining your families, and are struggling with court orders, custody issues, and feelings of estrangement. It is imperative I remind all of you that I must remain a neutral third party. As your child's advocate, their needs are my sole priority. Please keep in mind, this doesn't mean that I am unaware or unaffected by the turmoil you face; I am sorry for your pain and I do mourn the loss of your child's family as they have known it. Still, I can't let any feelings I have for you interfere with my role in providing your child a safe, neutral environment where they can express their own feelings of sadness or fear. In consideration of this, here is a list of some of the things you need to remember should you wish to keep you child enrolled at (name of child care facility):

1. My home is a safe haven for them; please refrain from expressing your sadness or frustration about your child's other parent (and perhaps their new significant other) within their presence. Your child is extremely perceptive and already knows how you feel; my home is one place they should be able to escape this tension.

2. Please provide me with any copies of legal documents I need regarding the custody or care arrangements for your child. Keep in mind that in the absence of any court documents, I cannot legally keep a child from his or her parent, and will not agree to any such arrangement.

3. Develop a well thought out plan for pick-up and drop-off. Do NOT make my driveway a place of confrontation. If you need to do a "switch" where the child moves from one parent's care to another during the course of the week, choose someplace else to do so.

5. Do NOT put me in the middle of any issues you have regarding child support payment or the payment for my services. Work out a plan for who is responsible to pay for your child's care and do so promptly and courteously. I know money is a primary point of contention in many separations -- do NOT make me ask for payment for my services or you will find yourself looking for a new child care provider.

6. Do not request that I do anything for you other than the normal array of service you have received in the past. I will NOT document anything other than legitimately suspected mistreatment, so don't ask me to spend time evaluating your ex-spouse's parenting skills or capability as a parent. If the court feels they need my opinion, they will provide me with a list of written questions I will answer to the best of my ability. I operate an honest business and consider my integrity and trust two hallmarks of my home.

7. I do not participate in supervised visitation. My home is a "Home away from home" for many children and I need to consider the welfare of ALL my families when making decisions. I am a child care provider -- not a mediator or evaluator.

In summary, please minimize to the greatest degree possible, any disruption to your child's regular day at my home. Separation of a family is a big issue to young children, and my home may be the place of stability where they can work through their emotions and confusion.

If you have questions about your specific situation, or really feel there are issues regarding your ex-spouse we need to discuss, please call me at 555-555-5555

This is terrific!!! I am going to try to put this on file in case I should ever need this type of document.

[wdmmom]

Is there a particular reason dcm and dcd are sending someone to pick up their child?

I would simply suggest that one or the other do it within the hours of operation.

If for some reason, that's not possible on a particular day, they need to notify you either at drop off, in writing (via email or text) or telephone call than someone other than themselves is picking up. I would also have a pick up consent form on file. Make dcm and dcd list 2-4 people that are able to pick up the child from daycare with permission.

[Texasjeepgirl]

This is terrific!!! I am going to try to put this on file in case I should ever need this type of document.

SAME FOR ME... Awesome Blackcat.. LOVE IT.. and I hope you don't mind if I borrow it for future...

[Heidi]

This is terrific!!! I am going to try to put this on file in case I should ever need this type of document.

I am copying and and pasting it right now. VERY well worded!

[MarinaVanessa]

Without reading all of the posts I will only say this (because BlackCat pretty much already explains a great way to explain it to parents):

Unless you have a court order which clearly states who cannot pick the child up explain to DCM that you cannot decide who can or cannot pick the child up. Leave it up to them to decide among themselves what to do and have them give you ANY instructions in writing with BOTH parent signatures to show that they have both agreed. If they don't both agree with whatever the issue is then don't take sides and don't commit yourself to anything.

In most (if not all) states no parent has more say than the other until it is written in a court order otherwise. For example, if a couple splits up and there is no court order for child custody either parent can have access to their child at any time no matter what. Either parent can simply take the child and not contact the other parent and not return the child. At that point the only thing that the other parent can do is file for custody and attempt to get the child back that way.

I think Legally no parent can dictate who can or cannot pick up the child unless there is a court order which says so. If DCM removes the neighbor's name, DCD can simply add it back on (unless there is an order).

Once they go through the custody hearing and get their order require that you have a copy at daycare and keep it in the child's file. Personally, if both parents will have the child in your daycare on their days then I would have both parents sign a contract with the days that the court order says that they are assigned. They would each fill out their own completed paperwork which would be kept in the child's file and they would each give names of their own emergency contacts and people authorized to pick the child up. If the child needed to be picked up one day I would call the numbers on the form of the parent who's day it is.

If the parent's switch days, allow the child to spend extra time with the other parent, allow the other to pick-up/drop-off on the other parent's day etc. I'd require permission to do this all of this in writing.