I Love Me A Good Old Messy Divorce!

[mrsnj]

Ok. To TRY and cut this as short as possible cause I have a soap opera on my hands.......

Two of my DKC are going through a messy nasty separation with their parents. The dad is supposed to have 'cheated' with the neighbor who is on my pick up list. Even after the supposedly affair, mom still used the neighbor as an emergency pick up. Thought it odd but............whatever:confused: Guess you do what you gotta do.

Well mom officially kicked dad out this weekend and mom now wants the neighbor removed. I KNOW dad will use her as a pick up/drop off emergency person. The day will come when she will show on my door step for a pick up for dad. I asked mom to tell dad that she is removing but, honestly, mom is very spiteful in all this and likely will not (it is all a game to her and what she can do to get at dad). I will get a knock on my door, the neighbor will be standing there saying she is picking up for dad cause it is 'his day', I will have to say "But mom removed you", calls will be made, I will get stuck in between and likely will be having the girls camp out after hours while they figure out what to do and dad comes all the way from out of state from work majorly mad and then I will be one pissy daycare provider......................... etc etc etc

When parents are in limbo like this and there is no official court ruling on who is in charge and custody etc......who do I make the in charge person? Mom is getting ready to change info and all and tell me who is and isn't allowed to pick up but dad is going to tell me something different.

Do I contact him myself. I need his new address and phone and all anyway. Tell him and let them work it out? Or just go through mom. Dad doesn't tell me all the details when he comes so it isn't a topic to come up on its own. Or do I just let mom handle it all???

So...................how do I handle this one? Who is in charge?

[SquirrellyMama]

I would think that you could talk to dad yourself. Did he sign the contract? I imagine he has rights also and can choose whomever he wants.

I personally don't think it is very classy of him to use her if she is his cheating partner. Not that it was classy to cheat in the first place.

Good luck :hug:

K

[youretooloud]

Talk to dad. Tell him Mom wants her off the list (with good reason) and ask him to find another backup for now, because you don't want to be caught in the middle, or be stuck with kids all night because of this.

He should understand why mom feels like this, and if he doesn't understand, he's a douchebag. (beyond the obvious)

[itlw8]

No pick up person should EVER pick up without the parent contacting you and saying it will happen.

So if it is Dads day to pick up and he calls to tell you someone is coming all you have to do is make sure it is that person picking up.

Same for dcm she needs to call on her days

They should give you a written schedule of who is picking up.

[coolconfidentme]

I would think that you could talk to dad yourself. Did he sign the contract? I imagine he has rights also and can choose whomever he wants.

I personally don't think it is very classy of him to use her if she is his cheating partner. Not that it was classy to cheat in the first place.

Good luck :hug:

K

So true!
I would suggest for the kids sake, to use an alternative person to the make the transition easy on everyone, included you & the other children in your charge.

[SquirrellyMama]

He should understand why mom feels like this, and if he doesn't understand, he's a douchebag. (beyond the obvious)

I'm not terribly fond of the bolded word but feel it would be appropriate in this case.

[KnoxMom]

So...................how do I handle this one? Who is in charge?

Who signed the contract and WHO pays the tuition? THAT is who is in charge.

If only one person signed; they are solely in charge.
If both signed, NO information can be changed without BOTH signatures.

The main thing is having them both understand there will need to be a backup and you will only release to the person named in contract until they agree on an amendment and sign together.

Don't let their drama become your problem ::

[mrsnj]

Well that is where the soap opera comes in. I am not so sure he did it. Mom tends to be a little spiteful. I mean who goes over to the cheating neighbors house for bbqs? Goes on trips to NY with them? Takes the kids over there and her kids over for playdates? Calls this said neighbor for picks ups when they are in jams to pick up? Purposely missed the bus so you can stand at her house and catch it cause it is more convenient? It just seems all so off. He doesn't say anything. She loves to fill me in on every details. Like I care *sigh* I think a lot is her. But whatever. I don't care really. Pick your kids up and pay me on time and we are good. I don't need to hear your personal details every single drop off and pick up every single day every single second................... I notice her issues are greater when she has 'forgotten' her payment or is on day three picking up late. Like if she tells me her sob story it will explain why I am standing there after hours having call to ask where she is.

In the end I just need to know who is paying me and who is getting the kids.

And now..........who is in charge?

Knoxmom- they both pay. It was 100% him cause she 'doesn't know how to pay bills'. (I can see why) SO now she pays. Until she forgets and then dad pays. I know...........not helpful.

So maybe I will do that and send him a message asking for info and letting him know the neighbor is being removed.

[Blackcat31]

I use this letter to ALL separated parents who share any amount of parenting duties that involve child care.

Dear Families,

Over the years I have noticed my role as child care provider can often create the impression that we are extended family. Because your child's welfare is so important, this care and nurturing can create an intimacy between us that makes us feel more like family than business partners. As a home daycare provider, I strive to foster this sense of community, and to provide the closeness you will not find in a child care center.

However, there does need to be well defined boundaries in certain areas. Some of you are currently in the process of redefining your families, and are struggling with court orders, custody issues, and feelings of estrangement. It is imperative I remind all of you that I must remain a neutral third party. As your child's advocate, their needs are my sole priority. Please keep in mind, this doesn't mean that I am unaware or unaffected by the turmoil you face; I am sorry for your pain and I do mourn the loss of your child's family as they have known it. Still, I can't let any feelings I have for you interfere with my role in providing your child a safe, neutral environment where they can express their own feelings of sadness or fear. In consideration of this, here is a list of some of the things you need to remember should you wish to keep you child enrolled at (name of child care facility):

1. My home is a safe haven for them; please refrain from expressing your sadness or frustration about your child's other parent (and perhaps their new significant other) within their presence. Your child is extremely perceptive and already knows how you feel; my home is one place they should be able to escape this tension.

2. Please provide me with any copies of legal documents I need regarding the custody or care arrangements for your child. Keep in mind that in the absence of any court documents, I cannot legally keep a child from his or her parent, and will not agree to any such arrangement.

3. Develop a well thought out plan for pick-up and drop-off. Do NOT make my driveway a place of confrontation. If you need to do a "switch" where the child moves from one parent's care to another during the course of the week, choose someplace else to do so.

5. Do NOT put me in the middle of any issues you have regarding child support payment or the payment for my services. Work out a plan for who is responsible to pay for your child's care and do so promptly and courteously. I know money is a primary point of contention in many separations -- do NOT make me ask for payment for my services or you will find yourself looking for a new child care provider.

6. Do not request that I do anything for you other than the normal array of service you have received in the past. I will NOT document anything other than legitimately suspected mistreatment, so don't ask me to spend time evaluating your ex-spouse's parenting skills or capability as a parent. If the court feels they need my opinion, they will provide me with a list of written questions I will answer to the best of my ability. I operate an honest business and consider my integrity and trust two hallmarks of my home.

7. I do not participate in supervised visitation. My home is a "Home away from home" for many children and I need to consider the welfare of ALL my families when making decisions. I am a child care provider -- not a mediator or evaluator.

In summary, please minimize to the greatest degree possible, any disruption to your child's regular day at my home. Separation of a family is a big issue to young children, and my home may be the place of stability where they can work through their emotions and confusion.

If you have questions about your specific situation, or really feel there are issues regarding your ex-spouse we need to discuss, please call me at 555-555-5555

[mrsnj]

*sigh* Nice. Yeah. That went over like a huge lead balloon!
He won't 'update his address/phone" until the courts say he no longer lives at his house. K. So the only way to contact is cell....which he never answers. And he was NOT pleased about the neighbors. I fear I opened Pandora's box! Told him to talk about it together. In the end if he calls me or puts it in writing, I cannot refuse. Only a court order will allow me to turn away if I am told it is ok so they really need to mature here and work together.

See....my vision was going to be right. Mom had no plans to tell Dad and I would have been dealing with the load of poo!

Lordy give me strength!

[countrymom]

hmm now that they are seperated they need to have 2 seperate contracts right. Add in your contract that they need to have back up people for pick up, who they choose is their buisness but have it down in writting. Add that if no one picks up the child you will call the childrens aide and claim abandoment. Nows the chance to update your contract and don't forget to underline payment plan

[Willow]

Talk to dad. Tell him Mom wants her off the list (with good reason) and ask him to find another backup for now, because you don't want to be caught in the middle, or be stuck with kids all night because of this.

He should understand why mom feels like this, and if he doesn't understand, he's a douchebag. (beyond the obvious)

This.

Don't even leave it an option. Let them both know because you are aware of the ensuing drama and don't want it to affect the child. If they do or don't want the other person in their lives that's their business to sort out outside of your care, but it's too much of a mess to be fighting over on your time or property. Let dad he needs to find someone else.

[JenNJ]

I require a court order in cases like this. Its not my issue to sort out, its theirs.

[Starburst]

I think that at anytime one parent doesn't feel comfortable with someone who is not a relative of either parent picking up their child they have a right for them not to pick them up- if it was the dad's relative (like his mom or sister) that would be one thing but seeing this is the woman he cheated on his wife with and broke his children's hearts with, thats a whole different ball park. I am sure that the children do not want to be around the woman who their father had an affair with- divorce is hard enough on them without feeling like their dad doesn't care about their feelings. He may have rights as a parent but the kids have rights too.

Tell them "I am not getting in the middle of your issues I am making a choice based on what I think is right for the children- For the time being (until a legal arrangement can be made) I am chosing to remove ______ from the emergency contact/pick up list because I believe it is in intrest of the children. Because this isn't about you two and your problems this is about what I believe, as a non-bias third party, is best for your children for the time being."

You are not taking away his rights to pick up the children, you are limiting someone who is not a relative and has no legal rights to them from picking them up until they can agree. Thats why I have already put in my contract that I have the right to remove anyone (especually someone who is not a relative) from the emergency contact list if they violate the right any of my policies or if I have any reason to believe they pose a risk or danger to the overall well-being of anyone in the daycare (me, my family, any of the daycare children/families)

[My3cents]

Who signed the contract and WHO pays the tuition? THAT is who is in charge.

If only one person signed; they are solely in charge.
If both signed, NO information can be changed without BOTH signatures.

The main thing is having them both understand there will need to be a backup and you will only release to the person named in contract until they agree on an amendment and sign together.

Don't let their drama become your problem ::

This all the way----