Overly Concerned DCM

[Nellie]

Honesty I don't know how to prove that this is normal. I really liked the suggestion from Julie. I have a DC boy the same age and he reminds me of your daycare boy. His separation anxiety when he was younger was horrid. It was always worse with the dad, but he even had it with me when I left a room. It took to 20 months for things to get better. But for some reason in the last 2 to 3 months he bas started crying at drop off time. Always worse for dad, always stops 20 seconds after door shut, is worse on earlier drop off times, worse when he is trired. But his parents would NEVER EVER do what your DC mom did. They hold him till they are ready to walk out the door and I take him from them. They make it short and sweet if it is a bad morning. Sometimes they will call after they leave to tell me what needed to be communicated for the day if needed. A few times something was left in car and they will set it on steps and call afterwards. DCD goes to work and school. He drives by my house on way to work in afternoon. DCM once told me that once he thought about stopping by to get DC tax savings sheet signed before work. DCM ended up telling him to not even think about stopping in the middle of the day. DCB would be confused about why dad wasn't taking him with and it would cause every one trouble. Bad days are only here and there, but he just doesn't do change well. He had went to 1/2 day mornings for the summer and when he started coming all day again he cried at nap and lunch. He was use to either going till he crashed at home or no nap and being served his favorite meals. It took a week and a half but he got over it. At home crying gets him his way and he will see if it will work here too.

[daycarediva]

I would not reassure her at all. I would agree with her and put her on the hot seat.

"A 30 minute temper tantrum IS unacceptable, I totally agree DCM. Maybe we can try an experiment and see if you leaving earlier will help him transition easier since the tantrum today stopped the moment he did not have your attention. Let me know if you would like to try it. It hurt my heart to see him in so much pain today for such a prolonged time. He does have trouble with some transitions as mentioned before, but I obviously do not give attention to a fit like that because it fuels his fire. Therefore, his fits do not last long and he is on to the next activity. As a child care professional, I see this often, this behavior is quite normal and not a concern for me. I fail to see why someone who is so against letting him cry would watch him struggle for 30 minutes. Surely you have alternate measures in place. I'd like to hear them. I also don't understand why you would "check in" on your child without taking him with you. This breaks his trust that you are indeed returning for him and will not leave him here, making sure he has a harder day here. Please do not do that again."

I love this. I may use it if she continues to press the issue. Today we did bye bye outside, and although the lip came out, he never progressed to actual crying. So we will keep that up.

Dcm is a first time Mom and doesn't seem to understand that dcb is a bit overwhelmed with all the changes (moved, christmas break, mom back to work FT, grandma no longer living at home, all within a 30 day time span). Dcb is also adjusting to being 1 of 6 here instead of the only child with 3 adults around. My house also used to be a fun place to play 1-2x a week and short days at that (9-12 or 9-3) and is now here from 7:30-5:30 4-5 days per week.

When I emailed Mom I told her that she should make sure she spent extra time with dcb, drop and leave/no lingering, and see how it went for 2 weeks she agreed. So far, so good!

[julie]

I love this. I may use it if she continues to press the issue. Today we did bye bye outside, and although the lip came out, he never progressed to actual crying. So we will keep that up.

Dcm is a first time Mom and doesn't seem to understand that dcb is a bit overwhelmed with all the changes (moved, christmas break, mom back to work FT, grandma no longer living at home, all within a 30 day time span). Dcb is also adjusting to being 1 of 6 here instead of the only child with 3 adults around. My house also used to be a fun place to play 1-2x a week and short days at that (9-12 or 9-3) and is now here from 7:30-5:30 4-5 days per week.

When I emailed Mom I told her that she should make sure she spent extra time with dcb, drop and leave/no lingering, and see how it went for 2 weeks she agreed. So far, so good!

Glad you have found a solution that is working for you so far. When I reread your post I wanted to add something that I didn't before. It is possible that Mom returning to work full time was not her choice. Maybe she didn't want it to work out and was instead focusing her stress and guilt on her son's reaction to the daycare? If his behavior was too extreme or too hard for her to take it might give her an "out", so to speak? I know I would have a hard time switching from my son being with me a majority of the time to having him in full time care. Maybe it is not about you or her son. Maybe it is about her. It is something I would keep an eye out for and be sensitive to, but not at the expense of the type of care you are willing to give. She may have set you an impossible task (not EVER letting him cry) for a reason.

[cheerfuldom]

Glad you have found a solution that is working for you so far. When I reread your post I wanted to add something that I didn't before. It is possible that Mom returning to work full time was not her choice. Maybe she didn't want it to work out and was instead focusing her stress and guilt on her son's reaction to the daycare? If his behavior was too extreme or too hard for her to take it might give her an "out", so to speak? I know I would have a hard time switching from my son being with me a majority of the time to having him in full time care. Maybe it is not about you or her son. Maybe it is about her. It is something I would keep an eye out for and be sensitive to, but not at the expense of the type of care you are willing to give. She may have set you an impossible task (not EVER letting him cry) for a reason.

VERY good point! I cant tell you how many times I have heard of moms (and dads) that set a crazy expectation for the daycare, knowing that that standard can never be reached. It gives parents a spot to place blame when they have to switch daycare, switch hours, or quit their job completely. I have had a few moms (not my daycare parents) that admitted to this very thing.

[Mommy2One]

Glad you have found a solution that is working for you so far. When I reread your post I wanted to add something that I didn't before. It is possible that Mom returning to work full time was not her choice. Maybe she didn't want it to work out and was instead focusing her stress and guilt on her son's reaction to the daycare? If his behavior was too extreme or too hard for her to take it might give her an "out", so to speak? I know I would have a hard time switching from my son being with me a majority of the time to having him in full time care. Maybe it is not about you or her son. Maybe it is about her. It is something I would keep an eye out for and be sensitive to, but not at the expense of the type of care you are willing to give. She may have set you an impossible task (not EVER letting him cry) for a reason.

I remember when I first went back to work, my daughter was a little over a year old. Our original plan was for me to just work part time in the evenings after my husband got home from work until our daughter was in preschool or kidnergarten. When it wasn't working out financially, I had to start applying for jobs. I applied for a variety, hoping to find something part time and ended up getting offered a great full time position instead. I interviewed on Monday, was offered the job on Wednesday and they wanted me to start the next Monday. A week was not enough time adjust to the idea of leaving my baby with "a stranger" - which was something I'd never envisioned. The first day was probably harder for me than it was for my daughter. Her provider at the time was very low ratio and was kind enough to send me a quick text when she stopped crying (usually by the time I made it out to my car and got settled in) and even exchanged a few text message updates with me during the day for the first week, which helped a LOT.

It may be the mother who's having trouble adjusting to full time/full day care and by saying she doesn't want her son to cry EVER, she means she doesn't want to picture him crying when she can't be there to comfort him. She's probably also thinking of all the daily activities she's missing now, even the mundane ones like lunch and nap time. I was also regretting not making more of the time when I was home and the loss of my rosey picture of my future as a SAHM (taking my preschooler to the park, lunch at Chick-fil-A, Gymboree classes, etc.)