Blames Me For Aggressive Child

[hgonzalez]

I have had a family in my care for over 2 years and the youngest of the two childrens started here at 6 wks old and is now 22 mos old. This little guy is extemely aggressive with me, his Mom other children and my property. He has been pretty much out of control all day long since he turned about 15 mos old. He comes in in the morning and immediately looks for what he can do that is naughty. He tried to stomp on a baby that was laying on the floor innocently. He tries to knock over the saucer that the baby sits in also, even when she is in it. He slaps me in the face, jumps on the other kids and basically terrorizes everyone all day long. A few weeks ago I was injured by him also. When the Mom picks him up at the end of the day, he tears apart everything he can in my entryway, slaps her and punches her and will not cooperate in getting his shoes and jacket on.

I have watched this behavior and made an honest attempt to discuss his behavior with the parents. I said I would try to help them figure out what was going on with him etc. I found out he has been eating Pop Tarts and milk with chocolate flavoring in the car for breakfast on the way to daycare. I suggested maybe he was not handling the sugar well and they said they would try something different.
Anyway, today they gave me a two week notice and I am relieved in a way but upset that they are in such denial. At pickup time today, it felt like there was an exorcism going on in my house, as he was so violent and thrashing around. His Mom had the nerve to say 'he doesn't do this anywhere else'.

I am so angry about this. How do the rest of you deal with it when a family leaves and tries to blame their issues on your daycare? None of the other kids here act like that. I am glad he is leaving, because of his behavior, but do have some disappointment at the same time.

[Michael]

Welcome to the Daycare.com Forum! I've upgraded your status. You can post freely now.

[WoodOx]

Don't feel like its your fault,I have had kids whom i had since birth and some turned out to be aggressive and out of control, i sometimes questioned what I was doing wrong, but as I got more expirience, the problem is usually the parents, they don't know how to parent. I'm sure the child acts that way at home too
cheer up and be relieved that you won't have to deal with him anymore, and i'm sure your other DCK's will be much happier.
Let the parents be in denial, in a year or so they will see how wrong they were.

[Willow]

I have had a family in my care for over 2 years and the youngest of the two childrens started here at 6 wks old and is now 22 mos old. This little guy is extemely aggressive with me, his Mom other children and my property. He has been pretty much out of control all day long since he turned about 15 mos old. He comes in in the morning and immediately looks for what he can do that is naughty. He tried to stomp on a baby that was laying on the floor innocently.

Flabbergasted here....

He tries to knock over the saucer that the baby sits in also, even when she is in it.

Jaw literally hit the floor...

He slaps me in the face,

And then had to completely stop reading your post here out of sheer shock


What has been your response to him, and then to his parents when you encountered these behaviors??

I'm not at all blaming you for the way that he is, but the fact that not only did these behaviors occur, but a WHOLE BUNCH of others on top of those, leads me to believe no one was addressing his behaviors at all. I hope you can provide more information, perhaps an explanation of how you tried to help him overcome his aggression?

There's no way all of that was just sugar induced. Loads of kids wake up and eat pop-tarts and chocolate milk and don't behave anything like that.

Being naughty or wild should have no correlation to being intentionally violent. Something else is broken there unfortunately.


I have a toddler who attempts to go nuts at pick up and drop offs too. He can get extremely aggressive with his mother but *BUT* I quickly regain control because it's obvious she can't. He's an angel for 95% of the day and the other 5% is just typical toddler mischief. For the safety of others in my care if I couldn't keep him under control I wouldn't have given the parents the option to terminate, I would have done it myself.

[MamaG]

Flabbergasted here....




Jaw literally hit the floor...



And then had to completely stop reading your post here out of sheer shock


What has been your response to him, and then to his parents when you encountered these behaviors??

I'm not at all blaming you for the way that he is, but the fact that not only did these behaviors occur, but a WHOLE BUNCH of others on top of those, leads me to believe no one was addressing his behaviors at all. I hope you can provide more information, perhaps an explanation of how you tried to help him overcome his aggression?

There's no way all of that was just sugar induced. Loads of kids wake up and eat pop-tarts and chocolate milk and don't behave anything like that.

Being naughty or wild should have no correlation to being intentionally violent. Something else is broken there unfortunately.


I have a toddler who attempts to go nuts at pick up and drop offs too. He can get extremely aggressive with his mother but *BUT* I quickly regain control because it's obvious she can't. He's an angel for 95% of the day and the other 5% is just typical toddler mischief. For the safety of others in my care if I couldn't keep him under control I wouldn't have given the parents the option to terminate, I would have done it myself.

Yes. That behavior is not normal, it's extremely out of sorts. I have had dcks try getting away with destruction of property, hitting other kids, ect but I reign that in real quick. They learn that they can't get away with nothing here real fast. Unless you do nothing in responds to him he should have gotten better. It's also possible he has sever mental problems/ behavior problems but that's very rare in toddlers. Normally you see kids act up at drop off and pick up because of no structure or discipline at home but if they get it at dc they are fine during the day. You may want to elaborate on this subject.

[hgonzalez]

reply to reply...more info

I know, it is shocking isn't it.

First of all, I thought something seemed different when he was an infant. He had really hyperflexible joints, loose like, and just was not responsive with smiles and such. He did seem to tighten up a bit and walked at a typical age. He does not talk much, says maybe 5 words on a regular basis.

Anyway, he started these behaviors and I thought it was typical toddler stuff. So, I would state my rule 'we don't hit' and redirect him. When I would do this, he would become insanely angry. So, then I would hold him on my lap and try to get him settled down. As time has passed, it has gotten worse, not better. I would put him in his high chair for lunch and he would immediately try to get out....and his little loose joints would allow him to. I could not keep him contained anywhere. He would clearly be hungry, but would just be bent on getting out. I had to get a certain type of high chair with a raised area in between the legs so he could not slide out. Strapping in meant nothing to him, he would get out. When I put him in his crib for naptime, he jumps up and down and laughs and shakes the sides. He will eventually sleep once in awhile, but not without a fuss.

At mealtime, when he is done eating, he throws his cup and bowl and any remaining food. And I mean THROWS, usually at someone. I have child proof latches on all my cupboards, and he snaps them in half. I have gates around my tv and now my Christmas tree and he spends much of his time pushing on them, trying to dislodge them. When he is doing all of this, the other kids are happily playing with a multitude of toys or doing arts and crafts. Instead of wanting to play, he wants to destroy.
I have tried gving him attention when I catch him being good. I have tried giving him a little bucket of toys to distract him at drop off time. I have tried dressing him and having him ready at pick up time, to minimize the chaos. Nothing seems to work with this kid. I have tried getting him more physical activity, he turns it into a challenge; running into the street over and over when we are outside, ramming into other children with a ride on toy or trying to climb the fence.

I asked the parents many months ago what they do when he is in one of these modes. Their answer was, we slap his hands and lock him in his room.
I told them that I can do neither of those things and then they went into defensive mode and blame it on me or the environment here. (maybe he is bored, you are not giving him enough to do etc.)

Sorry this is so long, but I have been doing this for 16 years and have never had a child this awful. I do also care for special needs kids and have to say that he is 10 times worse than any of the children I have cared for on the Autism Spectrum (including one of my own). I know that his Dad plays ALOT of Adult rated violent video games and wonder if that is what he is contributing to this. He also has severe peanut allergies and has major ezcema as a baby. That is why I tried to open the discussion from a 'food' angle, thinking maybe the parents would be receptive.

So....they are leaving, putting him and his sister (who is 5 and behaves like a 3 yr old) in a daycare with 12 other kids instead of mine (with 7 other kids). I am glad they are leaving, I can now make my house less like a prison and more like a fun play space for the other kids. I just don't like to be left with someone thinking it is my fault, that it is something I am doing wrong.

Oh yeah, we had our Christmas party here yesterday. I get each of the kids 2 nice gifts. I had to out him in his Highchair during this as he tried snatching the other kids' packages. I got him two things that I thought he would really like. He tore the paper off and threw them at me. No smile or anything. Really? Why would a child this age be so angry?

[Michelle]

I seriously had to look at the date of this post and the state you are in because I have this same child! peanut allergy, violent boy.
wow, I have been dealing with the same issues exactly, except the parents are very sweet and supportive of me.
I truly believe it is the violent video games he is watching and maybe wrestling combined with no proper discipline. Games are so realistic now a days... graphics are very good and he can be severely affected by it.

He will probably get kicked out of his next daycare.
You have done everything you can " legally" do.
What this kid needs is something you can't "legally" do :::: for trying to stomp on a baby! This makes me sooo mad!

I still have my little guy but he has slowly made a lot of progress with redirection and positive reinforcement ..
hugs for hanging in there as long as you did.

[Kaddidle Care]

It sounds like you should have termed him a long time ago. Everything for a reason - enjoy your happy home again.

This sounds like a child that will be bouncing from Daycare to Daycare until he reaches School Age and then who knows what will happen to him.

I find it sad and scary that more and more children are behaving in this manner.

[Registered user]

signed out for privacy
We had a child that would turn vicious any time you told him no. He hit and kicked every worker in the place and hurt other children as well. We had to be on top of him constantly to protect the other children and there were times that we were unable to do things that were planned because of him. The director wouldn't term him because enrollment was low so we were expected to just deal with it.

When you own your own daycare you have the power to stop this kind of behavior. Never let something like this continue for the safety of the other children in your charge.

[hgonzalez]

Thanks!

Thank you for all of your support.

I am sitting here with a bruise on my forehead from that kid. He kept try to hand me his cup from his highchair and I leaned down to ask him 'are you all done or do you want more?' and he slammed the cup into my forehead.

So glad that I will be done with them, now I just have to get paid....ugh.

[Michelle]

Thank you for all of your support.

I am sitting here with a bruise on my forehead from that kid. He kept try to hand me his cup from his highchair and I leaned down to ask him 'are you all done or do you want more?' and he slammed the cup into my forehead.

So glad that I will be done with them, now I just have to get paid....ugh.

I am convinced that there is someone in that child's life that laughs and encourages that behavior!
I have seen this so many times.. where a child will scream "no" at mom or hit them and mom will laugh and dad will say" that didn't hurt"
Usually the young uneducated party set...( from what I have seen)
You have to take a test to get a drivers license...

[hgonzalez]

OMG...Michelle!!

Yes, yes, yes!! At drop off, the child has done some atrocious things and the Dad laughs.

I also know that the Dad plays adult rated video games with the kids in the room. I am sure they absorb the fact that Dad is happy when he kills someone or when a bomb goes off or something. The little guy probably thinks that violence is good, because he sees Dad is so happy when something violent happens when he plays his games.

I hate those 'last days' when the family is still here. Three days next week then I am done. They also did not pay me for my vacation time and are supposed to pay me in cash only when a two week notice is given. They are supposed to stop by tomorrow morning with it....we will see.

I hate that this is making my Holidays glum...or even a part of it.

[LittleD]

Remember: No pay, NO stay!
If they don't come with your (already late) payment, they cannot stay with you. Send them reminder text or email letting them know this and the total amount they owe you. No need to suffer this if they skip out on the bill!

[hgonzalez]

getting paid

So, now I need quick advice. I am on vaca all week and the family that is leaving gave me a check last Friday for the last two weeks. I emailed all my daycare parents telling them they needed to leave their payment for this week's fees with me last Friday (it could be post dated to 12/24).

However, when someone gives me a 2 week notice, I require cash from that point on. I pointed this out to the family that is leaving. They said they cannot give me cash as his paycheck does not get deposited until today. I still have their check post dated to 12/24 (today). I told them I would need cash dropped off this morning. It is not my fault that they are not following the rules and I am not going to get stuck with their check coming back unpaid (as several people have done to me when they move or leave).

So, here is my question: I told them they had to be here between 8 - 10 am with the cash, as I will be leaving shortly after that. If they don't show...should I go and cash the check they gave me, at their bank? I don't want to deposit it and have it go bad. Is that tacky to cash it and then tell them afterward. If they don't hold up to their end of the deal, then that is their fault not mine.

What do you all think, cash it or not?

[Countrygal]

I have had a family in my care for over 2 years and the youngest of the two childrens started here at 6 wks old and is now 22 mos old. This little guy is extemely aggressive with me, his Mom other children and my property. He has been pretty much out of control all day long since he turned about 15 mos old. He comes in in the morning and immediately looks for what he can do that is naughty. He tried to stomp on a baby that was laying on the floor innocently. He tries to knock over the saucer that the baby sits in also, even when she is in it. He slaps me in the face, jumps on the other kids and basically terrorizes everyone all day long. A few weeks ago I was injured by him also. When the Mom picks him up at the end of the day, he tears apart everything he can in my entryway, slaps her and punches her and will not cooperate in getting his shoes and jacket on.

I have watched this behavior and made an honest attempt to discuss his behavior with the parents. I said I would try to help them figure out what was going on with him etc. I found out he has been eating Pop Tarts and milk with chocolate flavoring in the car for breakfast on the way to daycare. I suggested maybe he was not handling the sugar well and they said they would try something different.
Anyway, today they gave me a two week notice and I am relieved in a way but upset that they are in such denial. At pickup time today, it felt like there was an exorcism going on in my house, as he was so violent and thrashing around. His Mom had the nerve to say 'he doesn't do this anywhere else'.

I am so angry about this. How do the rest of you deal with it when a family leaves and tries to blame their issues on your daycare? None of the other kids here act like that. I am glad he is leaving, because of his behavior, but do have some disappointment at the same time.

I've had similar situations even in the one year I've been open this time around! The behavior was obviously coming from what the children were allowed to do at home, and when they weren't allowed to do it here I was told I was "negative" and that the children "had no problems other places". I had the opportunity to witness how these children acted in a store once when I ran into them with a parent. I'll tell you this much - I would NEVER let my child behave like that in public let alone take him out for ice cream afterwards!!!! *shocked* I knew then and there that it was NOT me, but the parents just trying really hard to put the blame somewhere else. I can't wait for those kids to hit regular school.... revenge can be sweet..... ROFL!!!