DCB Picking On My DS

[daycarediva]

This may seem trivial but it really offends me. I even have a topic area in my parent handbook that discusses bullying and SPECIFICALLY mentions my ds. He has high functioning autism, and some quirky/repetetive-tic like behavior. In my home we NEVER talk bad about someone and NEVER pick on anyone. It is right up there with physical aggression to me.

I discuss this on interview that it is a deal breaker for me. This is my son's home and he often holds it all in at school and the repetitive behaviors are worse here. He should be made to feel accepted here, if nowhere else! My son is a kind, generous child who loves the little kids (and they all adore him).

I have a SA dcb who is starting to make fun of my son. He is 6, and should know better! It happened once last week at pickup and he told ds to shut up and that he was weird and annoying. Ds cried. I reprimanded dcb right in front of dcm. ("dcb we don't say those things about other people. You hurt ds's feelings and that's not ok") Dcm was visibly mad and left immediately. Fast forward to this week and DCB did it AGAIN at pickup last night. I immediately said to dcb that we had already talked about this and picking on people and name calling is NOT ok. This time dcm said "Did you hear Miss *****? She is right." dcb ignored it completely and acted as if I wasn't speaking. I told dcm right then that if this continues dcb will not be welcome back. She was SO MAD, but honestly, my son gets picked on enough at school. Home is his safe haven and dcb will NOT take that away from him.

Dcb himself is in special education (my ds is mostly mainstreamed and doing well) and has a learning disability as well as other diagnoses and was booted from three daycares in a year before coming to me. I have had him for the last 18 months and there have been normal kid issues, but nothing major. Dcm is great usually BUT she refuses to hear anything bad about her ds.

Would you work with dcm on this or would you term? WWYD?

My dh says term him IMMEDIATELY. Dh was SO ANGRY that he almost spoke up the second time.

[Blackcat31]

I'm sorry but I agree with your DH. My son had a lot of issues with bullying when he was growing up and the one thing I will always take away from the bad things he had to go through is that if there is not an adult in the bully's life that will hold him accountible for their actions, things will NEVER change or get better.

When parents make excuses for their child's bullying behaviors it only reinforces the behaviors and gives the child "permission" to continue doing it. He may stop in front of you but if his mom doesn't take this SUPER seriously then the child will more than likely just find ways to torment your DS (and possibly others) behind your back and in more secretive ways.

I think that child cares too should have a ZERO tolerance policy on bullying. Fighting and conflicts between kids is a normal childhood behavior. Bullying is completely different.

I may also be answering based on my personal feelings and left over anger (as might your DH) but seriously it doesn't really sound like DCM is supporting you and doing anything to teach her son better.

I would term and I would tell her EXACTLY why. Bullying is NOT something people should ever take lightly at any age!!

(((HUGS)))) to your DS.

[laundrymom]

I don't know that I would term. It 'sounds' like he needs you to get it through his head that it won't be tolerated.

I would bring boy to sit right beside me the next time

'Josh, you used mean words. Sit right here'

If he did it again he would be stuck by my side every moment he was there. 'josh, you don't play like a big kid, until you act like one. '

I would try explaining to your son that josh needs to learn HOW to behave so he doesn't hurt the little kids at school. If mom has an issue though, or doesn't support you teaching her son acceptance and tolerance, see ya.

[bunnyslippers]

I would not tolerate it. As a former special needs teacher, I often found that other kids with need were often the biggest bullies to my students. If the dcm won't hear your concern, then it is time to send them on their way.

In this world, our children need a safe haven. If they can't feel protected, safe and loved in their own home, then where CAN they feel safe? I am closing at the end of this year, and one of the main reasons is how rude some of the dcfs are to my own 5 year old. He will not be made to feel unloved in his own home. No amount of money is worth that to me.

[MamaG]

I homeschool my 9 year old DS because of this exact problem in schools. I would terminate with the standard two week notice. It doesn't sound like mom takes it seriously at all and the fact Dcb shrugs her off tells me she probably talks about your DS behind your back. At 6 he is either repeating what is done to him or what he hears at home.

My home is sacred and my kids my world. My dd has type 1 diabetes and since her very recent diagnosis I find I am much more protective of her. When my 4 year old niece is being mean to her I am much harsher on her at my house and will straight up leave if at someone else's house. Protect your baby!

[cheerfuldom]

Nope, term. I kept one bully here and still regret it to this day. I finally termed when he punched (with a closed fist!) my daughter repeatedly while sitting on top of her. I made a big mistake in keeping a bully....please dont make the same mistake.

[Unregistered]

DCM and DCB need a crash course in 'bullying 101'

I would at the very least put him on probation. And tell mom if he doesn't stop making fun of your son he is out. Next time he says your son is weird or annoying say "everyone has a different view, DS might think you are weird and annoying. After all the word 'wierd' means different and the word 'annoying' means persistant bothering and DS might think its weird that you bother him all the time!" JK, but I wouldn't blame you if you did.

But honestly when no one else will be your child's advacate you need to advacate for him. I would use this as use this as a chance to do an anti-bully curriculum (you can do it for preschool {if you do preschool} or SA) where you read a book about bullying and ask everyone if they have ever been bullied (not naming anyone- as to single out a child in the classroom) and how it felt and ask them things that bullies do that hurt people and why they think people bully others (add a few of your own if they are stuck). Also some things they can do if they are being bullied or see someone being bullied. Explain to them that 'bullies are not good friends', 'no one wants a bully for a friend', 'bullies are not welcome in my home'. I think everyone has a different view of what "bullying" is and many parents are showing their kids how to bully others all the time without realizing it (gossiping-spreading rumors, name calling behind someones back) and some people just shrug it off and say "that's a part of growing up" but when its that young it molds and shapes who both the bully and the bullied become.

To prevent this later on you can do some research on bullying and put it in your contract what type of behaviors will not be tolerated (hitting, name calling, rumors, clique exclusion, anything that makes another child feel bad emotionally/physically/socially) and how they can help prevent bullying; also say that repeat offenders of this are to be terminated on the spot (or with a notice). Because some parents are the 1st to realize when their child is bullied but don't do anything when their child is the bully. I think the sooner we as role modles nip this behavior in the bud the better the future will be for everyone- a lot less suicides and mass mall/school shootings!

[littlemissmuffet]

I would term immediately. I would never allow another child to bully my kiddo in their OWN home (or anywhere else for that matter)! If you don't stand up for your child, who will?

I also do not keep clients who "refuse to hear anything bad" about their children - I can't work with ignorant parents.

Today would be this family's final day.

[snips&snails]

Just a thought - there are some great books written for children about autism & special needs - maybe you could incorporate some of these? But while I wish someone would take the time to break this child of this behavior, I can totally understand you not putting your son through that!!!! He should definitely be able to feel safe in his own home

[Kaddidle Care]

I like the 3 strikes method. He's already on strike 2 and you've already warned his Mother twice - first via handbook and 2nd verbally.

So he already is basically on probation. It's time to go ahead and start interviewing for a replacement because he sounds like he's on the way out the door.

No 2 week notice - they've already been given notice of a sort. Termination should be immediate.

[MamaG]

Took my kids to play at our local children's museum. A kid twice the size of my tiny dd was body blocking her from every activity she tried to engage in and dropped a huge toy on her head without apologizing or even an excuse me! I had to tell the mom to get her kid outa my kids space and please explain all children can play not just him! Pathetic! My poor lil girl kept looking at me confused and sad like 'why is this kid not letting me play mom?' Ticked me off.

Keep us posted on what you decide to do and how it goes.

[daycarediva]

I told them on Friday that they are on probation. I sent her home with a copy of a child friendly book about children with special needs, (it goes through ADD, physical disabilities, downs syndrome and autism and was made by ds's school) and told her that I was not willing to tolerate the behavior, if it happened again, DIRECTED AT ANYONE, that would be dcb's last day and she would need to pick him up immediately. It went over about as well as I expected. DCB is a MONSTER at school and at home and Mom always asks why he behaves so well for me, I keep telling her it's because I won't allow him to, I think she finally gets that!