Does Daycare Affect Your Marriage/Relationship?

[boysx5]

my husband loves that I do daycare and helps out whenever he can he knows me doing this is a big help to the family and I can also be here for our boys so we have no issues but you need to tell your husband if you didn't do this you wouldn't have the money you have and its a hard job

[melskids]

we have a 3 bedroom ranch with a seperate daycare room, but somehow it has spread out throughout the whole house. (i have a toy addiction) sometimes he complains, but i tell him, go get a second job that brings in as much money as daycare does, and i'll close up shop tomorrow but he has a tractor/engine addiction that takes up the whole garage and barn so he really cant complain. once he asked me why i love daycare so much, and i asked him why he loves working on tractors so much, and he paused for a minute and said "o.k. i get it". he knows, not only is it what i do, but it is who i am. he may not always like it, but its take it or leave it...

[Vesta]

I can't imagine being able to do this if my husband didn't support my decision. Just the thought of him complaining about it starts to irritate me.
It would be very hard.
Get the big baby a lap top with a head set for Christmas or his birthday so he can play his beloved video games in peace and leave you be while you continue with your day to help support your family.

[momofsix]

My husband will compain if the toys overtake the house or yard, or if the kids stay late, but not too bad. I did have a problem way back in the beginning (almost 20 years ago) because I felt that I had kids "hanging" on me all day long, and then my dh would come home and I would just be saying "Don't touch me!" I just wanted some space, and he was a newlywed husband::

[Childminder]

My husband is very supportive and since he lost his job of 38yrs almost 2 years ago he has become my assistant. I'm sure he isn't happy with some of the toys and stuff all around(neither am I) he tells others, like our dentist how much happiness and fun the kids bring. I'm open 18 hours a day and 6 days a week by the way.

Is something else bothering your husband? What was he complaining about when you didn't have daycare? What would he be picking on you about if you stopped watching kids? Would he be happier about daycare if you had your own child? Counseling and option?

[MN Mom]

I'd just tell him to shape up or ship out...

My sister has a husband who sounds EXACTLY like this. She doesn't do daycare, but he complains about her FT Job and actually DEMANDED she got a second job. Regretfully, she complied. He doesn't have a 2nd job...let alone a decent first job. Sister provides the insurance, house payment, car payment, groceries, medical bills; takes care of their child, him, his brother; She does ALL the cooking, cleaning, yard work, gardening at his demand all while NOW working 2 jobs. He works as a foreman in construction from 6:30am to 2:30pm, then he goes to the bar for a couple, then he goes and "lifts weights" for a few hours, and then he goes fishing with the guys.

Wow...must be nice to be him !

I tell her, as I'm going to tell you:

STAND up for yourself, what you want, and what you believe in. If you don't...you will look back on yourself 20 years from now and wonder "what if.."

We must first make ourselves happy before we can bring happiness to a relationship. If we are not happy, the relationship is going to suffer.

[GretasLittleFriends]

he could have a "man cave" as long as he built me a "woman cave". Mine was going to be sooooo much better - jacuzzi / hot tub, soft lighting, sound proofing, incense, candles. But most importantly - NO KIDS ALLOWED!! Husband allowed by invitation only

Ooh!! I want one!!

I can't really relate because my hubby grew up with his mom doing daycare, so he's very used to all this. Sometimes I think he handles all the chaos better than me!

Same here, other than what he listed above... I agree completely with his part about the toys being scattered...

In reading these responses I'm seeing a common theme... You need to be happy in order for you to have a happy marriage!!

[kpa0627]

We never really had problems with our relationship before I started the daycare. He was supportive when I told him I wanted to do this. But now he's completely not! The other day I had some left over money after paying the bills and buying groceries and such so I went to a local Children's store that was having but one toy get the other 1/2 off and bought a little over a hundred dollars worth of toys for the daycare. I'm just starting out so I am still collecting things here and there. He threw an absolute fit about me purchasing toys. He says it's all I care about, think about and do is Daycare! I understand that it does take a lot of my time especially when first opening, licensing, paperwork, dealing with food program, trying to hit up sales/yard sales/thrift stores to collect stuff, meetings with potential new kids, grocery shopping for daycare, etc. so it does take up my time but it is my JOB! He complains that I'm home all day like I'm not doing anything while I'm here. He doesn't appreciate what I have to do and acts like I do nothing. I need to just sit down and tell him how I feel and see what he has to say about it because I don't want this to ruin our marriage yet I don't feel it's fair to have to possibly quit daycare just because he is unhappy. I mean he's in the military and is going to be gone for a year pretty soon and I don't complain. I know it's his job so I just deal with it. UGH...... :-(

[mismatchedsocks]

Well, my boyfriend lives with me and at the end of the day it is his job to make dinner. That way he is out of my hair, not just sitting there, or watching tv when the parents come, or anything like that. Maybe that last hour he can shower, make some dinner, or write you poems in you guys bedroom about how wonderful you are! Just an idea!

I am sorry you are fighting, I cannot imagine fighting about that, yet I am not in their shoes. Home daycare is demanding. I find myself doing things for daycare on weekends or nights after a 12 hour day! Its just how I have to survive, and its my profession. Hope things look up. Let him read this thread!

[MarinaVanessa]

He says it's all I care about, think about and do is Daycare! I understand that it does take a lot of my time especially when first opening, licensing, paperwork, dealing with food program, trying to hit up sales/yard sales/thrift stores to collect stuff, meetings with potential new kids, grocery shopping for daycare, etc. so it does take up my time but it is my JOB! He complains that I'm home all day like I'm not doing anything while I'm here. He doesn't appreciate what I have to do and acts like I do nothing.

Oh what a poophead. My solution would be to have him stay at home with you one day and have him take your place. You can help as an assistant but have him do all of the hard work i.e. activities, food prep, cleaning, watching the toddlers etc. You can make sure he doesn't kill any of the kids, remind him if he's running behind schedule, remind him of diaper changes (he can check if they need to be changed and you can change them), point out when someone is doing something they aren't supposed to be doing etc. Then we'll see if he still thinks the same .

[DBug]

My husband can't stand the daycare OR the daycare kids ... but he's very good at hiding it. I have had outside jobs in the past, but I was a SAHM for a year and a half before opening my daycare. That's when I had the time and energy to make all of our meals (from scratch ... I still make the meals, but they're usually frozen ), all of the laundry was always done, the shopping was done during the day, I was able to take our own kids on outings during the day, I did alot of volunteer work, I cut the grass, cleaned the cars, had the house, basement & garage clean & tidy all the time ... we even had a flower bed. Now ... not so much. Sometimes I forget to make his lunch in the morning (because I'm feeding 3 or 4 toddlers along with my own 3 kids, while he's still asleep), I order pizza way too often, I haven't cut the grass at all this year, I made taking out the garbage his job, the clean laundry sits in unfolded piles in our bedroom ... and the list goes on.

When he does actually complain about dc kids being too loud or still here when we're eating dinner, etc., I think the underlying issue is that he really feels that I don't have as much time or energy left for him. Which is completely true! I haven't found a way to fix it, but I think it's a valid complaint for a committed couple in a marriage relationship.

Perhaps your SO has the same underlying issue? I think when they see us giving so much of our time, energy, space, and money to anything that's not them, they (rightly or wrongly) get riled by it. The fact that we're paying bills with the money we earn doesn't seem to enter the equation in their minds -- they just see a wife that's spending more of herself on her job. And if her job includes their home (ie. their "castle"), look out.

I don't have a solution, but I think if you look at his complaining as him feeling neglected, it may help (or not, who knows!). And no, with all we do for our hubbies, they don't have the right to feel neglected ::, but they do, and feelings need to be addressed.

Anyway, just some thoughts! My marriage is more important to me than my job, so I always try to look at how my job is impacting my husband. Most things I can't change (because bills DO need to be paid), but some things I can change -- and those may be the changes that make the difference.

[jen]

It used to be a problem with us too...then he ended up helping me with daycare while he finshed school and he got a new attitude regarding daycare.

He USED to say things like, "well, I'm not home all day." or my all time favorite, when I was too busy with screaming kids to chat on the phone with him..."if you are your own boss, why can't you talk right now?"

Uhhhh...really?

Now that he has actually experienced daycare he NEVER says that stuff. In fact, when he gets home from his job, he helps me until my day is over.

[MN Mom]

I've been a SAHM since our first was born (11years ago on Friday). My husband USED to pull the "I've been at work all day, what did YOU do?!" card on me all the time as an excuse to do nothing but fart around when he wasn't working. Maintenance stuff...psssh who cares! Paying Bills...bah humbug! Cooking...forget that! HE was the provider...the rest was MY job.

I was SOO SOO SOO tired of hearing him say that.

Then I starting caring for my current family, and bringing in some money every week (not much, but it buys groceries and lil' extras for the kids and me).

He has since: redone 2/3 floors that needed replacing. Started working on our bathroom, mows the lawn, takes out the trash, cooks on weekends, and tends to my kids during my down time so I can have quiet.

It's been WONDERFUL. He cannot use the excuse that he works and I do not anymore.

He's even taking off Thursday and Friday from work to watch the dckids so I can go up North for my Birthday (mine is Friday, also) and spend some much needed adult time with my girlfriends.

It is amazing how his perspective has changed on the duties of motherhood over the last year. AMAZING.

I really like the idea of having him "walk in your shoes" for a couple of days. Sometimes that is all it takes to turn things around.

If that doesn't work, talk with him about how you feel, and perhaps seek some marriage counseling if he continues to be an arse about it.

[DCMom]

I guess we have always approached the daycare as 'my job' the one that afforded me to stay home with our kids. He traveled a lot for his job when then they were young, so we figured that one full time parent at home was for the best even if I wasn't strictly a sahm. I only had 3 kids plus my own so it wasn't so bad.

Then the daycare grew and he got a different job where he was home each day at 4pm and he felt differently...

That's when basement got finished complete with a kitchen and bath and the daycare moved down there; two years ago we put in a separate entrance to the walkout door () It is now truly a business, my job, separate from our home and very profitible. Now he likes it again, .

At times it has caused some strain, but then we stopped and looked at what we could do to make it better. The pros of the business have always outweighed the cons of it~21 years later I am still doing it and he even helps when I need it. I truly love the job, I think he sees that and overlooks a lot.

[professionalmom]

I've been a SAHM since our first was born (11years ago on Friday). My husband USED to pull the "I've been at work all day, what did YOU do?!" card on me all the time as an excuse to do nothing but fart around when he wasn't working. Maintenance stuff...psssh who cares! Paying Bills...bah humbug! Cooking...forget that! HE was the provider...the rest was MY job.

OMG!! My daughter's 2nd birthday is Friday, too! Happy Birthday to your 11 yr old baby!

Although my hubby never tried the "what did YOU do all day", I have been on partial bedrest with this twin pregnancy with complications. That means that I physically can not keep up with everything. Last week when there were toys everywhere, laundry all over (thanks to my soon-to-be 2 yr old pulling it all out), dishes in the sink, no dinner made, and carpets that needed to be vacuumed (you have to pick up the toys to vacuum), I pointed to everything and said, "just in case you ever wondered what it is that I do all day, this is what I do - keep all this from occurring plus serving and cleaning up from meals, teaching children, changing diapers, paperwork, and so much more." He said, "Honey, I knew you were busy." Can we all say, awwww? So if the husbands out there question whether we "work", let it go for a day and show them the chaos that you prevent each and every day.