Question about termination

[Evansmom]

Hi all! I'm looking for advice regarding a termination I just did with a client who I had a few issues with. It's been a long list if red flags over the 3 months that I worked with them but the major one that I had was the parents mistrust of me. This is all really hard for me to explain somehow so bear with me.

DCB who just turned 3 is the only child and had never been in any care before. He had a really hard time with transitioning which I expected but fully adjusted after about 4 weeks and then was very happy in our little group of 4 children. During transition time I kept in contact throughout the day with the parents answering numerous texts and sending pics of what he was doing to reassure them that all was well, they were understandably very concerned about his transition and I worked to make sure they felt and saw that he was well and in a safe place.

Then DCB started telling his parents every day after pick up that a child was being mean to him. They brought this up with me and I took extra care to watch out for anything. Other than the usual and normal arguing over trading or taking turns with toys I never saw anything unusual so I communicated to the parents that I thought DCB might be interpreting these encounters as mean however they are in the scope of what is normal behavior for a group of 2-4 year olds. But DCB kept reporting that things were happening and then started saying he was getting hit by another child and he would report that this happened everyday after they got home. I honestly was flabbergasted because I definitely was not seeing any aggression or hitting at all. But I kept in communication with the parents and kept looking out for what it was he could be experiencing.

Then DCB started reporting in my presence to his parents at pick up time that he had been hit by a child that day even though he had not been hit. I have a group who are going through a tattle stage and believe me if I don't see something I hear about it! But he wouldn't look at me when he said it and he would try to tell them quietly and then would hide as soon as they brought it up with me which made me feel as if he knew this was untrue. This is when I saw first hand the parents reaction to his reporting. They immediately stopped talking to me and got down to his level, started looking all over his body, and talking in an exaggerated baby voice to him. Essentially giving HUGE over the top attention to him (I realize this is my opinion). And that's when I started to believe that DCB understood that he would get serious attention from his parents for telling them this. They would go buy ice cream or a toy to make him feel better.

I began to feel unsafe in this relationship. I don't think the parents were doing any if this in purpose. I know they are genuinely concerned as any parent would be but they just didn't see how they were rewarding his reporting and how this resulted in him making up stories to get these treats an attention. I began to worry that maybe one day DCB would say I hit him or god forbid touched him (I still changed his diapers) and that's such a huge fear of mine. I just didn't feel safe with the DCB reporting things that weren't happening and the result being that the parents suspected he wasn't in a good place.

Add to this that the mother was very protective and when I would report say that DCB wasn't getting along with another child that day he would immediately jump down my throat with questions and passive aggressive accusations about my level of care.

So then Thursday night the father picked DCB up right at closing time. They came back 25 minutes later and the father had a very serious and very angry demeanor. He was doing the baby talk to DBC and actually to me and said that DCB reported a child hit him that day and that DCB didn't want to tell the father but that it "took 20 minutes to get it out of him" ????????? This did not sound right to me at all. Red flags were immediately raised and I just felt so unsafe as there are no witnesses around bc I am the only teacher here. After we resolved this and they left the father didn't even say thank you for helping or anything he just angrily walked away.

I termed them yesterday and asked that all communication be by email so I have documentation of any further exchanges. But now the parents want to know why I termed them and I don't know what to say exactly. It really was a gut feeling that this was a bad situation for me. I have learned to trust my gut about people over the years and this situation did not feel right. I don't want to lie but I don't know how to respond to them.

I hope I explained this okay. Thank you for helping and reading my "book" of a posting here

[momofboys]

I went through something similar this summer and it was awful. Child would tell parents hE was being teased (not happening, child was super sensitive) and parents.bought into it and would coddle him. Parents began to get angry with me over something that was not even occurring. I felt there was no way out of the situation and termed & parents were angry because I did tell them the true reason for said termination. My advice is to keep reasons to a minimum, parents are never happy to hear there is anything wrong with their child/behavior. Maybe be unable to meet their needs/hours they need care but make it about you. Good luck

[Blackcat31]

Oh wow! I can totally see how this started out so minor and is now a huge thing....one I definitely think you handled in a VERY professional manner so good for you!

I think you observations were spot on and the DCB was doing exactly as you thought as far as having his tattling reinforced by the parents' reactions to his story telling.

I also agree that the parents arent necessarily doing anything wrong, just that they aren't really being realistic and definitely not doing themselves or the DCB any favors by believing every single word he says. NOT saying the DCB is always lying but seems to me his interpretations of the situations have gotten way out of hand and are now becoming a way for him to gain attention and praise and rewards from his parents.

Anyways, I really want to tell you what a nice job you did handling this whole thing and the measures you put into place to protect yourself such as requesting all communications be via e-mail now for documentation puposes.

As far as giving the parents an answer, just be honest. I wouldn't outright say you feel their son is a liar but I would definitely tell them that you feel hurt by the fact that they believe your care is somehow not up to their expectations and that a 3 yr old's perspective of situations are not the EXACT way things happen.

I would tell them that the level of trust necessary between caregiver and client is just not there so the only option is for the parents to find a care environment they feel 100% comfortable in as is your right too. Clients who trust you is so important.

I would keep it short and sweet and not try to offer too many details since I am betting they aren't going to see things from your viewpoint anyways because in their mind, that would mean not believing their child so short and simple is how I would handle it.

Wow, I just can't get over the "took 20 minutes to get it out of him"!?!? that is crazy....

Did you term immediately or give them two weeks?

I would go with something like;

Dear DCP

It is extremely important that parents feel their child's caregiver is capable of providing a safe, nurturing and supportive environment.

At this time, I feel the necessary level of trust between caregiver and parent is not where it should be thus making a continued working relationship impossible.

I wish you the best and truly hope you find a provider that you are 100% comfortable with.

Thank you,

Provider.

I think if you offer anything more, they are just going to push you and the whole situation will escalate into something that should really just be over with.

I would also let my licensor know so that you are covering your bases just in case, they decide to report you for something their son says.

[Evansmom]

Thank you momofboys and blackcat! I appreciate your support of my terminating this family. It was hard for me to explain the reason and I hate terming anyone but this just didn't feel safe.

Blackcat I love your response letter, it gives me a great jumping off point to write my response! I have really been at a loss as to what to say. I won't respond over the weekend but will work on it Monday.

I have already approached the subject of my care not being the right fit for this family and the DCM got very offended and insisted they liked my care but their actions did not follow this. I questioned their trust in my ability to do my job but they said they did trust me, I just did not get that from them at all. So I will definitely bring that up again in the response letter.

Thanks y'all!

[cheerfuldom]

you did the right thing OP. I actually think that many providers have gone thru this same situation, especially in the age where parents have one or two kids that they micro manage over and treat like a baby for far too long. I know I have had several of these type of parents myself.

I like BC's letter as a jumping off point. I would absolutely tell them the reason although I wouldnt go into ever detail. Basically outline that you feel that the constant questioning over their son's tales shows that they do not trust you to accurately report the any incidents and that they do not trust you to handle situations appropriately, further that you have found what their son is reporting to be untrue. Either HE is uncomfortable in care and reporting these things OR THEY are not trusting you to handle things after the fact. Either way, they need to find a provider whose abilities whose abilities they do trust.

[Evansmom]

OP here

Blackcat I forgot to mention I termed immediately. It was the end of the month and the mother doesn't work so daycare was social experience for DCB but further I did not want to risk giving 2 weeks and then regretting it by getting into some situation where it was my word against the DCB. That is what makes this situation so sticky I think bc I absolutely at no point said "you're son is lying" and anyway I don't think he was exactly. It very much was his perception motivated and reenforced by the parents when they gave attention and treats.

Cheerfuldom thank you too. And I love your suggestion of saying that either DCB or DCP were uncomfortable and so they would be better to find someone they are comfortable with. That's a great way to say it!

[nanglgrl]

You handles this wonderfully. I would give the parents the reason only because they will never learn if someone doesn't tell them what they are doing wrong..not saying they will learn but they won't have a chance if someone doesn't tell them.
I think most of us have been in a similar situation. I had a child who was about the same age report to her mother on a regular basis that another child was mean to her. She also had no experience with daycare and was an only child. She was also only at daycare for social skills because mom didn't work. Mom was an acquaintance of mine so it was a little easier to be blunt with her. I said something to the effect of: You wanted her to come to daycare to gain social skills because she has very little exposure to other children. I've watched closely and no child is being mean to her. What I see is normal sharing issues, most of which are a problem more with her than the other children. Your daughter has been around adults her whole life, she hasn't had to share or had another child take a toy from her. What she is considering "mean" is normal behavior that she is misinterpreting because she has never been exposed to it. Luckily she's been able to spend her first few years with you, when she wanted a toy she had it until now so to her it's mean if she can't. She is getting the social exposure that you wanted and even though she may not like some of what it entails such as sharing it's still good and needed for her development. This cleared things up and when mom stopped reacting to her child saying the other child was mean the child stopped reporting it.
Further down the road her child was bit by another and the daily accusations started up again. No bite mark (except the first time) and no occurrence that I saw but the nightly phone calls started again with her telling me her daughter said she had been bitten. In the end I finally had to term.

[Evansmom]

Thank you nanglgrl, I think you are right. If I don't educate the parents on what the problem was they can't work to change it. I'm still working in the wording though, it's touchy.

I don't think the father told the mom about coming back on Thurs to question me about DCB getting hit. And I don't want to get too detailed so I don't want to mention it, but it really was the final straw for me. Especially the part where the Dad said that DCB didn't want to tell him what happened but that it "took 20 minutes to get it out of him". That just alarms me to no end. It's just not right at all to press a 3 year old into an answer by questioning them like that. And I know that that way of questioning doesn't always get truth, at that point most children will tell the adult anything they want to hear just to either stop getting interrogated or to give an approve able answer to the adult. But the fact that they question him like that and then believe everything he says illustrates how little they know about child development and I know I can't educate them that much. Or change their minds, it's their child.

So I'm going to stick to saying its a trust issue and I can't work with parents who don't trust my experience or abilities.

Thank you all for your help!!! I much appreciate it!

[Blackcat31]

Although I do agree with nanglgrl and usually do try to educate parents a little so they can make changes, I didn't suggest doing so in this particular case because honestly, these parents are simply OVER worried and micro managing their child and those types of parents don't really want to change or see the errors of their ways.

I think being really honest isn't going to change their behavior and may just make them angry or upset because how do you really tell a parent to NOT believe their child or to back off and not care so much about what their child says.....kwim?

In this case, I thought that simply stating there was a trust issue is the best route to go.

Stating that although their words said one thing and their actions said another is vague enough yet completely understandable as to why you don't want to continue the relationship.

I think it makes it a little less offensive and leaves less room for anger, reports to licensing and any other possible conflicts that could arise.

I also think the immediate terming was probably the best way to go so that it doesn't leave the door open to any other things that could happen and be blown out of proportion.

[Evansmom]

I totally agree blackcat which is why I'm using your wording from above with a bit added and edited. I hope you don't mind but you just said exactly what I was thinking so well!

Here it is so far, let me know what you think:


Dear DCP:

It is extremely important that parents feel their child's caregiver is capable of providing a safe, nurturing and supportive environment. At this time, I feel the necessary level of trust between caregiver and parent is not where it should be. I have observed a lack of trust in my ability to report incidences and handle situations appropriately thus making a continued working relationship impossible.

I wish you the best and truly hope you find a provider that you are 100% comfortable with.

Sincerely,

Evansmom