Would you Be Mad? Or Am I Being Over the Top?

[Logged Out For Privacy]

Regular member here but logged out for privacy. Kind of off topic.

DH wakes up with DS (18 months) in the middle of the night when he gets up because I suffer from insomnia and it takes me forever to fall back asleep. Last night it took my 3 hours to just wind down to fall asleep and then if I would have gotten up I would have woke myself up enough where I would not have fallen back to sleep. DH on the other hand, can fall back asleep before he hits the pillow. He also goes to bed earlier than me.

I have told him 10,000 times that if he gets up with DS he NEEDS to change his diaper because 1) that may be why he is up in the first place and 2) he will wet through if he doesn't!!!

So DH left for work this morning and then about 30 minutes later at 5:30AM I hear crying from the DSs room. I go in there and he is soaked through his diaper, jammies, blankie, and sheets. It is obviously the same diaper that I put on him before bed last night.

I am SO angry!! DS usually sleeps until 8:30-9:00 because I can't get him to sleep before 10 usually. We are transitioning to a big boy bed and he has needed me in there with him while he falls asleep while he gets used to it.

So now instead of him getting enough sleep he is up for the day and crabby as heck! He won't make it to our 1:00 nap which is part of the normal routine and when the DCKs go down. I have to be in there for DSs nap to help him get to sleep and today I won't be able to do that until DCB is ready to nap at 1:00 because obviously he cant just be left to his own devices while I wait for DS to fall asleep for 30-45 minutes.

It ruined our WHOLE schedule. DS sleeps in like CLOCKWORK but no not today because daddy couldn't take the extra 60 seconds to change him!

Am I being over the top or would you be upset too?

I spend every single moment with DS up until the moment I go to bed. I LIVE for the mornings where I can get stuff done without him under foot before DCB gets here. I am so burnt out with not having any time away from DS or time to myself. I don't get that wind down time at night that he gets playing video games because I am cleaning up and getting our child to bed.

I tell him every day that I NEED help. And of course he says "Well I work all day when do I get to relax??" I said yesterday that he came home and had a snack and played video games until after I closed. He says "But I was taking care of DS during that time, not really relaxing..." UM really? I take care of him all day every day AND DCKs! I do my job and also do the mommy job, the housewife job....

And he can't even do something as simple as change a diaper so I can have my morning free of DS, DS can sleep until he needs to, our routine can stay the same so I can at least have SOME sanity.

I am just so irritated with him!!!!!

And don't get me wrong I LOVE taking care of DS and staying home with him. But in 18 months I have gotten like zero time away from him.. I need a break. I need some sanity. And this has just been the icing on the cake!!!!!!

[Crazy8]

I understand your frustration but honestly from an outside perspective I think it is being a little over the top. Is it at all possible that DS didn't even wake up in the middle of the night last night??? I'm not sure why an 18 month old wakes up every night - that should be the exception, not the norm by that age. I think I'd work on better sleep training for him if its a problem. A lot of the things in your post (45 min to get him down for nap???) indicate that your DS could benefit from it. I wouldn't ever expect an 18 month old to go 7.5 hours till nap time. That is normally just the age we start moving to 1 nap a day here and I'm lucky if they can hold out till 12ish in the beginning.

I'd also try limiting his fluid intake a few hours before bedtime and use nighttime diapers or even going up a diaper size at night sometimes helps to avoid a soaked thru diaper in the morning. My kids all slept 12 hours a night from a max of 6 months old and it was only very occasionally that we had a soaked thru the pj's diaper.

So all in all I do understand you are angry at DH for not changing DS's diaper last night but I really don't see that as the big problem in your post.

[cheerfuldom]

over the top. your hubby made a mistake and I am sure did not intentionally ruin your day or your childs day. Give him the benefit of the doubt, a calm reminder and leave it at that. One crabby day with the little one is not the end of the world.

[JenNJ]

Regular member here but logged out for privacy. Kind of off topic.

DH wakes up with DS (18 months) in the middle of the night when he gets up because I suffer from insomnia and it takes me forever to fall back asleep. Last night it took my 3 hours to just wind down to fall asleep and then if I would have gotten up I would have woke myself up enough where I would not have fallen back to sleep. DH on the other hand, can fall back asleep before he hits the pillow. He also goes to bed earlier than me.

I spend every single moment with DS up until the moment I go to bed. I LIVE for the mornings where I can get stuff done without him under foot before DCB gets here. I am so burnt out with not having any time away from DS or time to myself. I don't get that wind down time at night that he gets playing video games because I am cleaning up and getting our child to bed.

I tell him every day that I NEED help. And of course he says "Well I work all day when do I get to relax??" I said yesterday that he came home and had a snack and played video games until after I closed. He says "But I was taking care of DS during that time, not really relaxing..." UM really? I take care of him all day every day AND DCKs! I do my job and also do the mommy job, the housewife job....

And he can't even do something as simple as change a diaper so I can have my morning free of DS, DS can sleep until he needs to, our routine can stay the same so I can at least have SOME sanity.

I am just so irritated with him!!!!!

And don't get me wrong I LOVE taking care of DS and staying home with him. But in 18 months I have gotten like zero time away from him.. I need a break. I need some sanity. And this has just been the icing on the cake!!!!!!

I'm going to be honest because you asked -- you are way too worked up over a mistake.

Your dh works a day job out of the house and gets up with DS. My husband did that too. And it was amazing. You have no idea how lucky you are. I doubt your dh intentionally decided to not change your son's diaper. It was an oversight. And he comes home from work and keeps an eye on ds. Awesome.

Your dh does deserve a break! So so you! If video games are his escape and he does that while you are still working, I would be pleased that he thinks enough to watch ds while he relaxes.

Your real issue is that you need a break away from DS WITH your DH. Your son is at the age where parental stress impacts the relationship between the parents. It is so easy to compare responsibilities and become bitter over everything being "fair." Fact is that life and parenting are NOT fair. There is no even split of parental and household responsibilities.

Right now, your son is a baby. Developmentally, he needs mommy more. In a few short years, he will outgrow that need and gravitate more towards his father as he learns to be a man and model himself after his biggest role model. It sounds like he has a hands on dad who loves him. Not a bad guy to model himself after, huh?

Find a family member or sitter to take ds off your hands for a few hours a month so you and dh can reconnect as a couple. I promise you that it will improve every aspect of your life.

[Blackcat31]

I'm going to be honest because you asked -- you are way too worked up over a mistake.

Your dh works a day job out of the house and gets up with DS. My husband did that too. And it was amazing. You have no idea how lucky you are. I doubt your dh intentionally decided to not change your son's diaper. It was an oversight. And he comes home from work and keeps an eye on ds. Awesome.

Your dh does deserve a break! So so you! If video games are his escape and he does that while you are still working, I would be pleased that he thinks enough to watch ds while he relaxes.

Your real issue is that you need a break away from DS WITH your DH. Your son is at the age where parental stress impacts the relationship between the parents. It is so easy to compare responsibilities and become bitter over everything being "fair." Fact is that life and parenting are NOT fair. There is no even split of parental and household responsibilities.

Right now, your son is a baby. Developmentally, he needs mommy more. In a few short years, he will outgrow that need and gravitate more towards his father as he learns to be a man and model himself after his biggest role model. It sounds like he has a hands on dad who loves him. Not a bad guy to model himself after, huh?

Find a family member or sitter to take ds off your hands for a few hours a month so you and dh can reconnect as a couple. I promise you that it will improve every aspect of your life.

This is good advice! Before you know it, the kids are grown and gone and you will wonder where the time went. Enjoy the time now...even if it is stressful.

Count your blessings that you have a DH that wants to be involved with DS. Alot of dads leave it up to the moms until their child either becomes easier with age or don't bother at all.

[lil angels]

I think it sounds a bit like you are ver frustrated with your husband in general. And this just made you over the top mad. I think you may have other things that need to be dealt with. And I don't think it is the baby that is the prob I think it may be with your husband.

But yes I would switch to night time diapers and limit the fluids after dinner time.

[Logged Out For Privacy]

I honestly wouldn't be mad if this was the first, or second, or even third time I have told him after this happened. But its not... I can't even tell you how many times I have told him he NEEDS to change it. I even remind him before he gets up with him sometimes.

Usually, DS sleeps through the night at least since we switched to this new bed. But when he does wake up DH just gives him some milk and tucks him back in. Obviously the milk makes him pee more so he wets through. I heard him get up with him last night so I know he was up and I fell back asleep right away because I was exhausted and it took me so long in the first place to fall back asleep.

I know I am lucky to have him get up in the first place but I am just so irritated in general. I am so miserable I have lost my own identity. I have NO friends, NO family here. Can't afford a babysitter. So yes those are the underlying issues and yes I resent the fact that DH gets to go to work every day and get out of the house and TALK to people.

I just need a break. I need time by myself. I need time away from kids. I need to be able to relax at SOME point. He gets to relax before I close and while I am cleaning and getting DS to bed. When do I get to relax. Every night I go to bed at 10:00 which is when DS falls asleep.

So yes when I am woken up 1 hour before I have to be up to a crabby baby who is supposed to sleep another 3 hours because of something my husband failed to do AGAIN after I have been nice and understanding about it- I am mad.

[Logged Out For Privacy]

And I very well may be being over the top which is why I asked in the first place and I appreciate your points of views. I try my best to remain calm and understanding in everything he does. Like two weekends ago when he punched yet another hole in a door which we now have to repair all because I told him I didn't want to see the movie he wanted to see.

I was upset but I didn't really say anything about it. This is ANOTHER hole we have to repair because of him and his anger. So you see, I don't always jump the gun and get upset but when I have asked him, pleaded with him, demanded that he change his sons diaper in the middle of the night... Well, I just don't think there is any excuse that he could give as to why he couldn't do it.

[cheerfuldom]

girl, it sounds like there is WAAAAYYY more going on here. you have to find some sort of support system for you both before one of you really has a huge meltdown or life crisis. you cannot keep going on as is, day after day. your hubby needs some support too.....he doesnt have the "easy" side of things, just because he works outside of the home. you have to find a way to pay for a babysitter, end of story.

pick up a hobby, join a church, join a moms group or play date group....put yourself out there and get your life back. its not fair to be miserable and take that out on each other.

no, punching holes in the wall is not cool.... if this is his normal reaction to issues, you really need to consider how dangerous that level of anger is. on the other hand, if he is escalating because of stress and other factors, HELP EACH OTHER! dont just wait and let things get worse! revamp your whole life if you have to but figure this out!

[Unregistered]

Regular member here but logged out for privacy. Kind of off topic.

DH wakes up with DS (18 months) in the middle of the night when he gets up because I suffer from insomnia and it takes me forever to fall back asleep. Last night it took my 3 hours to just wind down to fall asleep and then if I would have gotten up I would have woke myself up enough where I would not have fallen back to sleep. DH on the other hand, can fall back asleep before he hits the pillow. He also goes to bed earlier than me.

I have told him 10,000 times that if he gets up with DS he NEEDS to change his diaper because 1) that may be why he is up in the first place and 2) he will wet through if he doesn't!!!

So DH left for work this morning and then about 30 minutes later at 5:30AM I hear crying from the DSs room. I go in there and he is soaked through his diaper, jammies, blankie, and sheets. It is obviously the same diaper that I put on him before bed last night.

I am SO angry!! DS usually sleeps until 8:30-9:00 because I can't get him to sleep before 10 usually. We are transitioning to a big boy bed and he has needed me in there with him while he falls asleep while he gets used to it.

So now instead of him getting enough sleep he is up for the day and crabby as heck! He won't make it to our 1:00 nap which is part of the normal routine and when the DCKs go down. I have to be in there for DSs nap to help him get to sleep and today I won't be able to do that until DCB is ready to nap at 1:00 because obviously he cant just be left to his own devices while I wait for DS to fall asleep for 30-45 minutes.

It ruined our WHOLE schedule. DS sleeps in like CLOCKWORK but no not today because daddy couldn't take the extra 60 seconds to change him!

Am I being over the top or would you be upset too?

I spend every single moment with DS up until the moment I go to bed. I LIVE for the mornings where I can get stuff done without him under foot before DCB gets here. I am so burnt out with not having any time away from DS or time to myself. I don't get that wind down time at night that he gets playing video games because I am cleaning up and getting our child to bed.

I tell him every day that I NEED help. And of course he says "Well I work all day when do I get to relax??" I said yesterday that he came home and had a snack and played video games until after I closed. He says "But I was taking care of DS during that time, not really relaxing..." UM really? I take care of him all day every day AND DCKs! I do my job and also do the mommy job, the housewife job....

And he can't even do something as simple as change a diaper so I can have my morning free of DS, DS can sleep until he needs to, our routine can stay the same so I can at least have SOME sanity.

I am just so irritated with him!!!!!

And don't get me wrong I LOVE taking care of DS and staying home with him. But in 18 months I have gotten like zero time away from him.. I need a break. I need some sanity. And this has just been the icing on the cake!!!!!!

I think you should count your lucky stars your hubby is willing to get up with your son. I also wonder why in the world a 18 month old is still waking up in the middle of the night? Does he have insomina also? All my kids where sleeping threw the night at 4 months old with proper sleeping training and sleeping 12 hours a night. Also as far as the diaper leaking maybe go up a size or try overnight diapers even thou they are costly. I use luvs and did with my other 3 and sleeping for 12 hours they never had a leak.

[Crystal]

girl, it sounds like there is WAAAAYYY more going on here. you have to find some sort of support system for you both before one of you really has a huge meltdown or life crisis. you cannot keep going on as is, day after day. your hubby needs some support too.....he doesnt have the "easy" side of things, just because he works outside of the home. you have to find a way to pay for a babysitter, end of story.

pick up a hobby, join a church, join a moms group or play date group....put yourself out there and get your life back. its not fair to be miserable and take that out on each other.

no, punching holes in the wall is not cool.... if this is his normal reaction to issues, you really need to consider how dangerous that level of anger is. on the other hand, if he is escalating because of stress and other factors, HELP EACH OTHER! dont just wait and let things get worse! revamp your whole life if you have to but figure this out!

I agree. And PLEASE, if at all possible, see a doctor. I sense that you are experiencing depression. You need to take care of yourself so that you can be the BEST Mom you can be.

And, hubby needs to take an anger management class.....so not cool, and could be very dangerous for you AND your son. If he is not willing to work on it, it may be time for a break FROM each other, rather than WITH each other.

Take care of yourself, and best wishes.

[Heidi]

I think the other ladies here have given you some very good, very honest advice.
I can only agree!

There has to be some way for you to get some time alone with your hubby. Put a note up at the grocery store... "looking for someone to trade babysitting with", or call your local family resource center...they may have a parent board or an exchange service as well.

Date night doesn't have to be expensive, either. Go for a walk in the park..that's free. Just get away together for a couple hours and breathe!


I would also recommend that if your 18 mo is waking at night, he does NOT NEED milk. If he seems thirsty, a sip of water will do. Your husband may not want to change his diaper because he doesn't want to rouse little gy or himself too much...

[littlemissmuffet]

I am going to go against the grain here (as usual) and say you are NOT over-reacting. What is with all the "lucky" comments??? A dad who gets up with his child in the night doesn't deserve applause or a Father of the Year Award. That's a responsibility that comes with parenting. That's a responsibility that a woman/mother should expect and demand of her partner when needed. Who cares if he works all day the next day? So does mom!

I get really tired of the whole "boys will be boys", "it's a man thing" excuses that the world gives out to dudes. They are perfectly capable of everything that we as women are. These excuses are what create deadbeat dads, loser husbands and terrible role models for our sons. Please, stop.

In the first post the OP said she's told her hubs over "10,000 times" that if DS wakes in the night that DH needs to change him... the whole "Oh, it was a mistake", "Oh, he probably just forgot" is BS... he was being lazy. I guarantee it. I see men/dad's that "forget" all the time - just to later quietly admit that it's easier not to do it.

[DCBlessings27]

I am going to go against the grain here (as usual) and say you are NOT over-reacting. What is with all the "lucky" comments??? A dad who gets up with his child in the night doesn't deserve applause or a Father of the Year Award. That's a responsibility that comes with parenting. That's a responsibility that a woman/mother should expect and demand of her partner when needed. Who cares if he works all day the next day? So does mom!

I get really tired of the whole "boys will be boys", "it's a man thing" excuses that the world gives out to dudes. They are perfectly capable of everything that we as women are. These excuses are what create deadbeat dads, loser husbands and terrible role models for our sons. Please, stop. I completely agree with this.

In the first post the OP said she's told her hubs over "10,000 times" that if DS wakes in the night that DH needs to change him... the whole "Oh, it was a mistake", "Oh, he probably just forgot" is BS... he was being lazy. I guarantee it. I see men/dad's that "forget" all the time - just to later quietly admit that it's easier not to do it.

I agree with this. OP provider needs her sleep, so her hubby getting up for a few minutes at night isn't worthy of Father of the Year Award. JMO. OP said her hubby claimed to have taken care of watching her ds when he was playing video games. He's getting a chance to relax (video games) while OP is cleaning, cooking, and working too. IMO, OP's hubby is not being a true partner.

From the OP's second post, it sounds as if this issue is just one of many. With the anger issues and the lack of help, I would have sought couples counseling or been out of the marriage. (I don't take divorce lightly, but I do believe some couples aren't meant to be together. )To me, it sounds as if OP's hubby does not respect her. He doesn't make sure she has time for herself, isn't a true partner, and doesn't seem to listen to her needs.

[jojosmommy]

I think you are over-reacting. I do expect my DH to help out with the kids but I also know that my hovering and telling him what to do makes him want to do less.

Buy the overnight diapers. Never had one leak.

Have your DH put the little one to bed. Especially since you are together all day. DH can have that routine. That will provide you with some alone time.

Get out of the house. Hire someone, leave for a training, go grocery shopping alone. You need a break.

And don't allow your DH to act out with violence. Ever.

Is is possible that he is so tired he doesn't even think to change the diaper? My DH is the best their is but doesn't think like I do. Simple genetic difference between he and I. He isnt lazy, lax or thoughtless. He just doesn't do things like I do. Including remembering to do something as simple as a night diaper. Even if I would remind him (10K times like you said) .