Logged Out: Help Im In A Funk :(

[Unregistered]

Another thing to think about... just from watching my mom and stepfather go through all of this burn out ect. I could see this same thing affect their marriage. My mother did daycare for almost 20 years. She went through a lot of burn out periods and he was exactly the same as your husband... no matter what she tried with him or talked to him about... it was always the same routine....every single day. He was stubborn and set in his ways.

At the same time my mom wore sweats everyday and basically when he saw her she didn't really put much effort into how she looked for him. Not saying you should have to all the time but pretty much never went out of her way to look better. She'd roll out of bed and answer the door. Take her showers between kids napping. If she left the house she looked the same. No makeup. As soon as they divorced that changed.

I have made it a point to get up before my first kids come and take a shower and try to wear normal clothes (jeans, capris ect.) do my make up and hair, almost every day at least.

Not saying it's all on you but maybe wondering how much you try at it as well?

I feel in the intimacy area a little disconnected but I have since I was pregnant with my first child. Giving birth both times really was not pleasant to me from a recovery aspect. For some reason even the doctors cannot seem to figure out I did not bounce back as easily as so many others. As much as I love my husband and I am very attracted to him still, I just don't have full capability that I used to to enjoy that part anymore. So I feel like I go through the motions all for him as well.

It can't be how I present myself. I wake up everyday early, put on makeup, wear nice clothes, and look very good. I do this every daym 7 days a week. On the other hand, I have to beg him to even brush his teeth for me on the weekends. He just throws on a hat and old clothes and doesnt shave, shower, or brush his teeth. But come monday, he's in his tailored suit with cologne, hair done, teeth brushed, and he even uses a tongue scraper. He puts no effort in for me at all.

I am so tempted to wear sweats all day but I try and look nice for me. Something has to change.

[AmyLeigh]

Wow, just wow. OP, I could have written 90% of your post verbatim, too. In fact, I did, just wasn't brave enough to hit the post button. It helps to know others feel this way at times.

Thank you to everyone who has offered suggestions. I will be seriously considering all of them, too.

[momma2girls]

I think we all feel this way from time to time!!! I know I only have about 1-2 more years left. I do want my last child to be in kindergarten, before quitting! It's taking it's taken alot of my family!! I have done this now over 10 yrs. I did it to stay at home with my family, and still make some kind of income while staying at home. I have had some great parents, and I have had some very lousy parents down the road. In all the yrs. of providing great care, I think to myself- I am allowing myself to stay at home with my own children. This is so important to me!! My advice take a break, and or vacation, and/or see what is making you so unhappy. Is it a child? is it a parent? Is it a couple of each? I would say term what is not making you happy.

[Heidi]

It can't be how I present myself. I wake up everyday early, put on makeup, wear nice clothes, and look very good. I do this every daym 7 days a week. On the other hand, I have to beg him to even brush his teeth for me on the weekends. He just throws on a hat and old clothes and doesnt shave, shower, or brush his teeth. But come monday, he's in his tailored suit with cologne, hair done, teeth brushed, and he even uses a tongue scraper. He puts no effort in for me at all.

I am so tempted to wear sweats all day but I try and look nice for me. Something has to change.

my husband would have a heck of a time getting in my pants in that condition!!!!!

[Crystal]

I think that writing out how you are feeling is a good first step. It really helps to identify EXACTLY what it is you are feeling, determine where those feelings are coming from, and can help lead you to the path that will help you fix it. I find that when I am feeling "lost" that writing it all down, and continuing to do so.....with setbacks, with accomplishments, with details on a daily basis, really helps me put things in perspective and to evaluate what needs to change.

I think you should print out your post. Leave it somewhere that your husband will see it.....perhaps on his pillow, or by the remote control. If he is not hearing you when you speak to him, perhaps reading your words will help him understand what you are going through. If that doesn't work, I would try to arrange for a babysitter, preferable out of the house, and demand that your husband sit down and LISTEN to you. Let him know that if he is not willing to listen to you and to attempt to make some changes that will benefit THE WHOLE FAMILY then you are going to have to consider other alternatives to your relationship. Again, I would write down everything before sitting down to talk to him....as we all know, emotions can get in the way and we either forget the small stuff, or it becomes more of a rant than a discussion, and that leads no where. Sit down prepared with a list of what it is you are feeling as well as a list of your wants/needs/desires. Let him know that there will be no compormise where it comes to your needs.....especially the NEED of having a supportive partner and father for his children. Then delegate.....he can take out the garbage every night, he can put your daughter to bed, he can clear the table after dinner.......and just as with daycare kids, it is NOT A CHOICE, it is EXPECTED and if he chooses not to do it, then there are other things you can delegate to him.....by simply not choosing to do them yourself, such as his laundry.

As far as how you are feeling otherwise, I really think you should consider talking to your doctor. I am concerned that you are depressed and that is not healthy for anyone....not you, not your children, not your spouse and not your DCK. There is help, and you should not be ashamed to seek it.

As a woman, I think you need to "find yourself". You need MAKE TIME every single day to enjoy being YOU, apart from anyone else. Sit down and reflect on your old self......what did you enjoy doing before you were a wife/mother? Think about it and then DO IT! Or, is there something you have ALWAYS wanted to try, but never have? DO IT! Don't ask if it's okay, don't ask him to watch the kids....ANNOUNCE it....."I am going skydiving Saturday. I will be gone from 9-12. I will leave lunch in the fridge for you and the kids and will see you when I get home" Also, stop relying on your husband to be your friend. Refuse to sack out on the couch and watch TV with him. Instead, grab the kids and head to the park, make some new friends and start spending time building relationships with other people who have similiar interests and TIME to share with you.

As for the intimacy.....quit doing it. If it has become a monotonous, boring routine and you do it out of obligation rather than as a mutual display of your love and passion for one another, then stop doing it. Tell him you are not turned on by the same ol' same ol'......tell him that his lack of interest and mere expectation of his own gratification is a huge turn off for you and you are not going to oblige any more. Tell him when he is interested again, he is welcome to make a move, but until then, there will be no more one-sided display of affection.

You need to take back the control over who YOU are and what YOU want.....if you don't, these feelings will only get stronger.....you will become more resentful and bitter and it will affect every aspect of your life.

I challenge you to sit down and write a list of all the things you used to enjoy, all of the things you have always wanted to try, and all of the things you feel you need to improve your situation. Then every day, or at least every week, DO one of those things. You may find old passions are no longer interesting and you can scratch them, or you may rekindle a passion for something that will take your mind off of your troubles and help you begin to heal your broken spirit. Once you find your passions, make time and insist on the support you need AND deserve, so that you can do them.

If, after you go to your husband with these issues, if you get the same response as usual, then I would consider counseling....alone if he won't go with you. If you find that he will not be supportive at all, then you may find that it is time to go your separate ways.

FWIW.....I recently had to take a stand.....and although I always do make time for myself and indulge myself in enjoying things that I am passionate about, I found that I was feeling resentful of having to tend to all of the chores as well as feeling "ignored" and "unheard" On a recent camping trip I decided I had enough and left. Left the whole family and didn't talk to them for two days....I tell ya what, without me saying a word, my message got through loud and clear and things have been very different ever since.

[Unregistered]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.

Crystal- thank you for sharing your insight as well. I am going to think hard about my needs; and you are right, writing them down does help a lot.

I am not depresses- yet- but if nothing changes I know that that will be on my path. I have time to change everything and have to find the inner strength to be me. I did tell him today a little bit about how I felt and he tried to make a joke and said he was sorry (which is what he always does). I told him I was tired of his words and that I just want actions from now on. I am sseriously over it.

At naptime today I just dove into a big renovation project on a whim, and started ripping down some of the peeling wallpaper. I know dh is going to come home and freak out but I found it so therapeutic. I am tired of trying to keep putting a bandaid over things when it doesn't solve the root of the issue, so for me, I ripped all the paper off the wall and am going to start fresh and repaint it. The wallpaper is analgous of my life right now. I need a major renovation. Is 29 too early for a mid life crisis?

Thanks for the support ladies. I feel a million times better already and a little bit stronger just from talking to all of you!

[cheerfuldom]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.

Crystal- thank you for sharing your insight as well. I am going to think hard about my needs; and you are right, writing them down does help a lot.

I am not depresses- yet- but if nothing changes I know that that will be on my path. I have time to change everything and have to find the inner strength to be me. I did tell him today a little bit about how I felt and he tried to make a joke and said he was sorry (which is what he always does). I told him I was tired of his words and that I just want actions from now on. I am sseriously over it.

At naptime today I just dove into a big renovation project on a whim, and started ripping down some of the peeling wallpaper. I know dh is going to come home and freak out but I found it so therapeutic. I am tired of trying to keep putting a bandaid over things when it doesn't solve the root of the issue, so for me, I ripped all the paper off the wall and am going to start fresh and repaint it. The wallpaper is analgous of my life right now. I need a major renovation. Is 29 too early for a mid life crisis?

Thanks for the support ladies. I feel a million times better already and a little bit stronger just from talking to all of you!

The wallpaper thing reminded me of the scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where the main character takes a sledge hammer to her house, ha ha! Go for it girl! Do you what you need to do and if wallpaper makes you feel better, then do it!

[AmyLeigh]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.

Crystal- thank you for sharing your insight as well. I am going to think hard about my needs; and you are right, writing them down does help a lot.

I am not depresses- yet- but if nothing changes I know that that will be on my path. I have time to change everything and have to find the inner strength to be me. I did tell him today a little bit about how I felt and he tried to make a joke and said he was sorry (which is what he always does). I told him I was tired of his words and that I just want actions from now on. I am sseriously over it.

At naptime today I just dove into a big renovation project on a whim, and started ripping down some of the peeling wallpaper. I know dh is going to come home and freak out but I found it so therapeutic. I am tired of trying to keep putting a bandaid over things when it doesn't solve the root of the issue, so for me, I ripped all the paper off the wall and am going to start fresh and repaint it. The wallpaper is analgous of my life right now. I need a major renovation. Is 29 too early for a mid life crisis?

Thanks for the support ladies. I feel a million times better already and a little bit stronger just from talking to all of you!

Good for you!!!

happyfacehappyfacehappyface

[My3cents]

you sound level headed and like your looking for help and know where your at.

Make sure you follow through with your wallpaper/paint changes. For myself- I can be good at starting something but not finishing it. Our lives are so busy here.

Crystal gave you some awesome advice

I don't think it is asking so much for your husband to be your best friend too- I do think having outside interest is good for relationships, gives you something to talk about in addition to the normal day to day stuff.

Just putting this out there for conversation-

Why does having a family and settling down have to be? Do we have to settle down or can we grow within our marriage and ourselves? You always here of settling down. I think it makes us too complacent and we are naturals at wanting to explore, learn, reach for more- food for thought I just think we get stuck in these rolls because it is the thing to do in order to have a family and marriage. I don't think it has to be that way but society pulls us right back into this routine and way of thinking. Tee hee- sometimes laziness does too. My comfy chair does call out to me come the end of the day, whispers sweet comforting sounds of plant yourself here

This forum is a wealth of help and friends and enjoyment-
best-

[Heidi]

you sound level headed and like your looking for help and know where your at.

Make sure you follow through with your wallpaper/paint changes. For myself- I can be good at starting something but not finishing it. Our lives are so busy here.

Crystal gave you some awesome advice

I don't think it is asking so much for your husband to be your best friend too- I do think having outside interest is good for relationships, gives you something to talk about in addition to the normal day to day stuff.

Just putting this out there for conversation-

Why does having a family and settling down have to be? Do we have to settle down or can we grow within our marriage and ourselves? You always here of settling down. I think it makes us too complacent and we are naturals at wanting to explore, learn, reach for more- food for thought I just think we get stuck in these rolls because it is the thing to do in order to have a family and marriage. I don't think it has to be that way but society pulls us right back into this routine and way of thinking. Tee hee- sometimes laziness does too. My comfy chair does call out to me come the end of the day, whispers sweet comforting sounds of plant yourself here

This forum is a wealth of help and friends and enjoyment-
best-

Good question! I learned a lot in my first marraige about making my needs known and making sure I get at least some of them met. As a girl, I always wanted the kids, dog, and station wagon. I didn't ever think at the time that I would want to have anything different. I just assumed that if I was a "good wife" that my husband would want to be a good husband, and if I met his needs he would want to meet mine. Yeah, it didn't work out that way. Part of it for me was marrying the wrong man, but I can't put it all on that, either.

With my current husband, I TELL him when I need something. He is also very independent, so sometimes I need to tell him I need TOGETHER time. We don't have any mutual children, so the dynamics are different. I also moved to his hometown, 80 miles away from mine, so that's had it's challenges.

What works for us is that we are at times, very independent of each other, and neither one of us resents that. DH has never once complained if I take off for a weekend at my sisters, or go to dinner with some friends. He has a standing poker night each month, and sometimes calls and says "I'm going fishing after work..is that a problem?" It isn't.

I've gotten into some of his interests; riding a motorcycle and camping. I've tried fishing a few times, but it doesn't wow me. I also don't share is obsession with football.

We both like to travel, but he'd be limited to nature type travel, and I've been able to get him to try a few less rural travels (even got him to go to San Francisco-and he loved it). I still can't get him to dance with me at wedding, though...a point of contention by now.

There are things we can't have. DH does make a good living (me, not so much, but it's ok), but our house while newer is fairly modest. We don't spend money on a lot of electronics or "stuff". I rarely shop for entertainment. We don't spend time in bars like some of our friends, which must cost them a fortune!
But, the trade off is that we can afford to travel together.

So, for us, we've found a good balance. We are "settled down" for sure, but don't sit around rotting in front of the tv, either. In the winter, we do too much of that (for one thing, it's cold and dark by 5pm, and there's not many indoor activities available), but we make up for it in summer.

I guess to me it's all about balance. Live for today, but still plan for tommorow. We don't take anything to the extreme around here.

[Crystal]

I thought this article was perfect for this thread.....

http://shine.yahoo.com/team-mom/8-ways-happier-mom-140600431.html

[Heidi]

I thought this article was perfect for this thread.....

http://shine.yahoo.com/team-mom/8-wa...140600431.html

awesome article...thanks Crystal!