Children Hitting You

[Heidi]

Ok...I know this has come up before, and many of you have said "I would term any child that hit me". Let's set that option aside for a moment..

Have any of you ever dealt with this with dck's or your own children? Toddlers, pre-schoolers, or older children?

If so, how have you handled it?

If you prefer to answer anonymously, please do.

My own children never, ever tried this, but I have several dc children that do. Mostly, it's when I use guided compliance. I give a directive (sit on the chair, or so-and-soi is using that, please give it back). I give them a moment to comply, and if they do not, I physically make them do it. That's when the hitting starts. Not ME hitting them, but THEM hitting me.

My response is to get down and grab their hand (firm but gentle), and say "You may NOT hit me". stern face...

Honestly, if my own children had ever tried that, I probably would have "smacked 'em". Please do not ream me for that, I am being honest. I am not condoning regular smacking or spanking (my children are mostly grown, and each one maybe got 3-4 spankings in their whole life, and by spanking I mean one good smack on the rear as an exclamation point). In any case, that's certainly not an option in daycare.

We cannot use time-outs for children under 3, and the youngest in the group are not quite 2. They see their older sibs do it (to mom and to me), and now they have started.


any ideas people? Honestly, I would like to hear other people's experiences more than wanting ideas....

[MyAngels]

I don't have any new ideas, but thought I would let you know I would handle it the same way you do - physically hold the hand and a stern reprimand. If that didn't stop it right away, then a talk with the parents would be my next step.

I've only had it happen a couple of times over the years, and just being stern and firm stopped it right away.

[Blackcat31]

My response is to get down and grab their hand (firm but gentle), and say "You may NOT hit me". stern face...

I do exactly the same. I am VERY VERY firm and have the sternest look possible on my face so they know full well that I mean business and hitting me is absolutely NOT acceptable!!! EVER!!

I think the firmer and more stern you are the better. Children should NEVER feel it is ok to hit an adult. Sadly I see way too many parents allow their child to hit and then they smile embarrassed as if they aren't sure what to do about it or that it is a common behavior.....sad, sad, sad....

If it were my child I would have done the same as you as my children know better and I will NOT raise a child who hits adults or thinks there is ever a situation where it is acceptable.

[Willow]

If a kiddo ever hit me (or other children) I'd take it seriously but likely would never terminate for it unless it got really out of control.


I think one of the biggest parts of being a provider is being an efficient evaluator of behavior and situations. It's being able to read kids and anticipate what's going to come next. A kiddo that hits is over threshold so to speak. Means intervention came too late to redirect and prevent the flare up.

Just like with a biter, after that very first chomp kiddo has to have line of sight supervision. Not so one can merely watch it happen again but so that they can intervene when they see the kiddo gearing up to do it again. Same thing with a kiddo that hits, line of sight, intervene before.


From there I'd continue to remove the ability to hit with younger ones by thinking of them as in a bubble. Keep making the bubble bigger with each incident, if that eventually leaves the kiddo near isolated so be it, they may need to learn to tolerate others in their space at a slower pace and that's ok. For older ones consistency and removal of privileges has always worked just fine. First hit gains them line of sight, and any one that isn't able to be headed off after that kiddo looses more and more rights to toys, activities and interactions with others.

[Willow]

Sadly I see way too many parents allow their child to hit and then they smile embarrassed as if they aren't sure what to do about it or that it is a common behavior.....sad, sad, sad....

I see the above scenario play out waaaaaaaay too often.

The only kids that have ever hit other kids (I've never been hit, but to me violence is violence, it's all the same ball of wax no matter who it's directed toward) in my care were ones that I had also witnessed hauling off on their parents. Those parents would either get embarrassed and do nothing or put on the stern look and angry voice bit but obviously that was the extent of the threat and the kiddo knew it.

Being allowed to lash out, at anyone, forages a path for that behavior to become an ingrained coping mechanism. If kiddo is allowed to hit mom out of frustration it's where they'll go when they're also frustrated by little Billy. If kiddo uses it as a release when they're sad leaving dad it's where they'll go when they're also saddened by little Sally.

I don't think in early toddlerhood kids have the ability to distinguish between behavior that's appropriate with other kids as opposed to adults.

[Heidi]

If a kiddo ever hit me (or other children) I'd take it seriously but likely would never terminate for it unless it got really out of control.


I think one of the biggest parts of being a provider is being an efficient evaluator of behavior and situations. It's being able to read kids and anticipate what's going to come next. A kiddo that hits is over threshold so to speak. Means intervention came too late to redirect and prevent the flare up.

Just like with a biter, after that very first chomp kiddo has to have line of sight supervision. Not so one can merely watch it happen again but so that they can intervene when they see the kiddo gearing up to do it again. Same thing with a kiddo that hits, line of sight, intervene before.


From there I'd continue to remove the ability to hit with younger ones by thinking of them as in a bubble. Keep making the bubble bigger with each incident, if that eventually leaves the kiddo near isolated so be it, they may need to learn to tolerate others in their space at a slower pace and that's ok. For older ones consistency and removal of privileges has always worked just fine. First hit gains them line of sight, and any one that isn't able to be headed off after that kiddo looses more and more rights to toys, activities and interactions with others.

Umm....they are hitting ME when I discipline them, not so much hitting each other. They do that too, but it's specifically hitting adults that I am concerned about.


Someone said "a handful of times"....it's more like each of 3 children hits me pretty much every time they are disciplined. These are sibs to the 5 year old who throws the awesome temper tantrums, btw

[Willow]

I'm sorry I didn't clarify that better.

The gist of my point was to head off all or as many situations where the kiddo would get into a spot need to be disciplined at all.


If they're being disciplined so often that they have an opportunity to lash out at you often I'd start by working the problem backwards, from where it starts.

Kiddo A takes kiddo B's toy ='s you needing to discipline and ultimately getting hit.

If you prevent kiddo A from having the opportunity to take kiddo B's toy you stop the sequence in it's tracks.

Extinguishing the need for the consequence will diminish the drive to over react to you over time. The more space you can put between each occurrence will lessen the chance the behavior will return.



For some kids with great consistent and reasonable parents/parenting a stern voice and solid face. If you don't have that on your side you might have to take a different approach.

[karen]

When child hits you take his hand and show them nice touches at the same time saying I am not for hitting I am for giving nice touches. You have to show them nice touches. Every single time the child hits....Show them how to give nice touches and repeat phrase. Even if child hits Johnny....Johnny is not for hitting! Johnny is for giving nice touches let's do nice touches.

[Hunni Bee]

I'm sorry I didn't clarify that better.

The gist of my point was to head off all or as many situations where the kiddo would get into a spot need to be disciplined at all.


If they're being disciplined so often that they have an opportunity to lash out at you often I'd start by working the problem backwards, from where it starts.

Kiddo A takes kiddo B's toy ='s you needing to discipline and ultimately getting hit.

If you prevent kiddo A from having the opportunity to take kiddo B's toy you stop the sequence in it's tracks.

Extinguishing the need for the consequence will diminish the drive to over react to you over time. The more space you can put between each occurrence will lessen the chance the behavior will return.



For some kids with great consistent and reasonable parents/parenting a stern voice and solid face. If you don't have that on your side you might have to take a different approach.

I agree to a point. But I don't see how its possible prevent every instance of misbehavior or need to discipline.

I do assume you don't mean EVERY instance, but if like the OP described, Little Tommy is not really misbehaving, just say, not sitting on his bottom in his chair. He gets a warning "Please sit on your bottom" and continues to sit on his feet. He gets placed on his bottom by the adult, but doesn't like it and decides to hit. The problem is not really his not sitting on his bottom, I have to remind kids of stuff like that 234549 times a day. It's his thinking its okay to hit adults if he doesn't like what they say/do.

I'm not trying to be snarky or anything. I guess what I'm asking is in the case of small disciplinary moments that can't really be avoided, and the kid feels the need to hit adults, how do you handle? I'm having a similar issue, not with hitting, but with whining, crying and tantrums.

[Heidi]

I agree to a point. But I don't see how its possible prevent every instance of misbehavior or need to discipline.

I do assume you don't mean EVERY instance, but if like the OP described, Little Tommy is not really misbehaving, just say, not sitting on his bottom in his chair. He gets a warning "Please sit on your bottom" and continues to sit on his feet. He gets placed on his bottom by the adult, but doesn't like it and decides to hit. The problem is not really his not sitting on his bottom, I have to remind kids of stuff like that 234549 times a day. It's his thinking its okay to hit adults if he doesn't like what they say/do.

I'm not trying to be snarky or anything. I guess what I'm asking is in the case of small disciplinary moments that can't really be avoided, and the kid feels the need to hit adults, how do you handle? I'm having a similar issue, not with hitting, but with whining, crying and tantrums.

Yes this! Thank you!

Only x4, because 3 of these kids are from the same family, and the 4th one I have (from another family) has started copying the behavior, although not nearly as often.

The last one in my group of 5 is the oldest of the first family, who is 5. He has never hit or kicked me, but he throws the whopper temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He used to launch the nearest object as well, but more lately tends to just scream and flail.

What we have here, in my mind, is a failure to understand the hierarchy here. The kid from the other family understands it, but witnesses the negative behavior here so often that he has to give it a try. I am pretty sure that if he didn't see it several times per day, 5 days per week, it would go away pretty quickly.

I know the easy answer is to term the kids and let someone else deal with it. That is certainly on the table here. But, before I do that, I want to make sure I've done everything I can.

It was one thing when it was just the 2nd oldest. Now, the younger sibs have also started, as well as the other kiddo. That means, 4 kids each day are hitting and or kicking me when they don't "like" the rules. They may be litle and can't seriously hurt me, but who wants to spend their days being beaten on for doing their job?

I cannot give time outs, other than to the oldest 2, per our state law. I obiously can't hit them back. I see them do it to mom, and she says "ouch, don't hit...that hurts", but I don't see her meaning it. I think she is a very kind person, but has some denial issues. Talking to her about problem behaviors is like pulling teeth. I very much get the "you solve it there" vibe from her. She'll just cope at home.